Unlike IQ, emotional intelligence (EQ) can be developed and increased over time, but first Travis Bradberry* says there is a need to recognise the steps that must be taken towards this.
When emotional intelligence (EQ) was first defined, it served as the missing link in a peculiar finding: People with average IQs outperform those with the highest IQs 70 per cent of the time.
This anomaly threw a massive wrench into the broadly held assumption that IQ was the sole source of success.
Decades of research now point to emotional intelligence as being the critical factor that sets star performers apart from the rest of the pack.
The connection is so strong that 90 per cent of top performers have high emotional intelligence.
Despite the significance of EQ, its intangible nature makes it very difficult to know how much you have and what you can do to improve it.
I’ve analysed the data from the millions of people who have taken my EQ test in order to identify the behaviour that is the hallmarks of a low EQ.
You get stressed easily
When you stuff your feelings, they quickly build into the uncomfortable sensations of tension, stress, and anxiety.
Your emotional intelligence skills help make stress more manageable by enabling you to spot and tackle tough situations before things escalate.
You have difficulty asserting yourself
People with high EQs balance good manners, empathy, and kindness with the ability to assert themselves and establish boundaries.
This tactful combination is ideal for handling conflict.
Emotionally intelligent people remain balanced and assertive by steering themselves away from unfiltered emotional reactions.
This enables them to neutralise difficult and toxic people without creating enemies.
You have a limited emotional vocabulary
All people experience emotions, but it is a select few who can accurately identify them as they occur.
My research shows that only 36 per cent of people can do this, which is problematic because unlabelled emotions often go misunderstood.
This leads to irrational choices and counter-productive actions.
People with high EQs master their emotions because they understand them, and they use an extensive vocabulary of feelings to do so.
While many people might describe themselves as simply feeling ‘bad’, emotionally intelligent people can pinpoint whether they feel ‘irritable’, ‘frustrated’, ‘downtrodden’, or ‘anxious’.
The more specific your word choice, the better insight you have into exactly how you are feeling, what caused it, and what you should do about it.
You make assumptions quickly and defend them vehemently
People who lack EQ form an opinion quickly and then succumb to confirmation bias.
This means they gather evidence that supports their opinion and ignore any evidence to the contrary.
This is especially dangerous for leaders, as their under-thought-out ideas become the entire team’s strategy.
Emotionally intelligent people let their thoughts marinate, because they know that initial reactions are driven by emotions.
You hold grudges
The negative emotions that come with holding on to a grudge are actually a stress response.
Just thinking about the event sends your body into fight-or-flight survival mechanism.
When an actual threat is imminent, this reaction is essential to your survival, but when a threat is ancient history, holding on to that stress wreaks havoc on your body.
Holding on to a grudge means you’re holding on to stress, and emotionally intelligent people know to avoid this at all costs.
You don’t let go of mistakes
Emotionally intelligent people distance themselves from their mistakes, but they do so without forgetting them.
By keeping their mistakes at a safe distance, yet still handy enough to refer to, they are able to adapt and adjust for future success.
It takes refined self-awareness to walk this tightrope between dwelling and remembering.
Dwelling too long on your mistakes makes you anxious and gun-shy, while forgetting about them completely makes you bound to repeat them.
You often feel misunderstood
When you lack emotional intelligence, it’s hard to understand how you come across to others.
You feel misunderstood because you don’t deliver your message in a way that people can understand.
Even with practice, emotionally intelligent people know that they don’t communicate every idea perfectly.
They catch on when people don’t understand what they are saying and re-communicate their idea in a way that can be understood.
You don’t know your triggers
Everyone has triggers — situations and people that push their buttons and cause them to act impulsively.
Emotionally intelligent people study their triggers and use this knowledge to sidestep situations and people before they get the best of them.
You don’t get angry
Emotional intelligence is not about being nice; it’s about managing your emotions to achieve the best possible outcomes.
Sometimes this means showing people that you’re upset, sad, or frustrated.
Emotionally intelligent people employ negative and positive emotions intentionally in the appropriate situations.
You blame other people for how they make you feel
Emotions come from within.
It’s tempting to attribute how you feel to the actions of others, but you must take responsibility for your emotions.
No one can make you feel anything that you don’t want to. Thinking otherwise only holds you back.
Unlike your IQ, your EQ is highly malleable. As you train your brain by repeatedly practicing new emotionally intelligent behaviour, it builds the pathways needed to make them into habits.
As your brain reinforces the use of the new behaviour, the connections supporting old, destructive behaviour dies off.
Before long, you begin responding to your surroundings with emotional intelligence without even having to think about it.
*Travis Bradberry is the award-winning co-author of the bestselling book, Emotional Intelligence 2.0, and the co-founder of TalentSmart. He can be contacted at talentsmart.com.
This article first appeared at talentsmart.com.
