May Busch* says there can be highly-charged work situations when it is difficult to keep emotions at bay — it is then that great leaders have to self-manage in the moment.
Babies are good at getting what they want and need.
When they cry, someone comes and figures out whether they’re hungry, lonely or need a diaper change.
When they smile or laugh, they get admiring coos from the people watching them.
Babies get away with expressing their unfiltered emotions, but try the same thing as an adult and it doesn’t work very well.
In fact, using emotion in the wrong way at the wrong time can backfire, especially if you want to be seen as a leader.
Just because you’re expected to choose your words and not allow emotional outbursts to rule the day, it doesn’t mean you don’t still feel those emotions.
That’s why it’s important to be able to self-manage in the moment if you want to be a great leader.
In my experience, there are three situations where it’s crucial for you, as a leader, to be able to manage yourself so you can be at your best.
Be especially vigilant when emotions kick in
This applies to both your emotions and the emotions of the people around you.
When emotions kick in at work, things can easily escalate and get out of control.
When it’s others who are getting emotional, keep a cool head and don’t get dragged in.
Emotions are contagious, so you really need to be vigilant in these situations and not let your own ‘buttons’ get pressed.
Like the meeting where a colleague goes on a rant and you’re listening calmly until that colleague says something negative about you and your team.
You jump in to defend your honour, then you both say things you regret later.
When you’re the one who’s getting emotional, it’s even more important to manage yourself.
This starts with being in touch with your feelings and emotions at work.
For example, while I spent most of my career living from my neck up, it didn’t mean I had no emotions.
I didn’t acknowledge my emotions along the way, so they would flare up bigger and stronger at the worst moments.
Like the time I lashed out at a team member. I was on a roll and couldn’t stop myself from going on and on about a seemingly small mistake.
The first time I noticed she had put the same monthly expense into two different categories, I was annoyed, but I got busy and didn’t say anything.
The second time, I got annoyed again but she was on vacation and it felt ‘too late’ to bring up when she got back.
At the end of the quarter, the miss-categorisations made it impossible to look at trends and I really got upset.
By the time we had our ‘discussion’, my pent-up emotion came bursting out and it wasn’t pretty.
This was not my finest moment and certainly not how I wanted to be seen as a leader.
Find a way to be your best self just after you’ve been your worst self
You’re human and sometimes you’re going to ‘lose it’.
However, when the heat of the moment is over, what matters is that you make it right.
In fact, these are golden opportunities to strengthen relationships if handled well.
Back to my embarrassing example, I finally calmed down enough to notice that my team member looked upset.
I took a couple of deep breaths, collected myself and apologised.
It became a positive conversation where we both had the chance to talk about what we could each do to improve the situation.
From the conflict came a better relationship, but only because I circled back to make it right.
Beware of your behaviour when you don’t get what you want
This is the time when it’s natural for emotions to come out.
It’s upsetting to be told you didn’t get that promotion or can’t have that raise.
It’s situations like these when you’re most on display, and the bigger the disappointment, the more people are looking for your reaction.
Having ‘all eyes on you’ is what makes it such an important opportunity.
Like the time our division head was publicly demoted.
When the memo came out announcing that half of Bob’s responsibilities would be stripped from him, we all thought he would quit. Indeed, we didn’t see him around for two weeks.
Then he was back with a new spring in his step as he strode across the trading floor. He’d grown a cool new beard during his time away.
He had taken time to reflect, heal and refresh, and now he was ‘back in the arena’, head held high and ready to do his job.
Many years later, he became the President of the company.
You’re human, so don’t expect to get it right every time. All you can do is to do your best with what you have in the moment.
Give yourself permission to make mistakes and then take the time to reflect and extract the lessons.
Remember that no one is perfect — not even you — and treat yourself with love and grace so you can extract the lessons and move forward.
*May Busch works with smart entrepreneurs and top managements to build their businesses. She can be contacted at [email protected].
This article first appeared at maybusch.com.
