Travis Bradberry* offers some strategies to help people avoid losing control in stressful situations, and regretting it after.
TalentSmart has tested more than a million people and found that the upper echelons of top performance are filled with people who are high in emotional intelligence.
The hallmark of emotional intelligence is self-control — a skill that unleashes massive productivity by keeping you focused and on track.
Unfortunately, self-control is a difficult skill to rely on.
When the University of Pennsylvania surveyed two million people and asked them to rank their strengths in 24 different skills, self-control ended up in the bottom slot.
When it comes to self-control, it is so easy to focus on your failures that your successes tend to pale in comparison.
Self-control is an effort that’s intended to help achieve a goal. Failing to control yourself is just that — a failure.
I went back to the data to uncover the kinds of things that emotionally intelligent people do to keep themselves productive and in control.
They focus on solutions
Where you focus your attention determines your emotional state.
When you fixate on the problems that you’re facing, you create and prolong negative emotions which hinder self-control.
Emotionally intelligent people won’t dwell on problems because they know they’re most effective when they focus on solutions.
They eat
File this one in the counter-intuitive category, especially if you’re having trouble controlling your eating.
Your brain burns heavily into your stores of glucose when attempting to exert self-control.
If your blood sugar is low, you are far more likely to succumb to destructive impulses.
Eating something that provides a slow burn for your body, such as whole-grain rice or meat, rather than sugary food, will give you a longer window of self-control.
They forgive themselves
A vicious cycle of failing to control oneself followed by feeling intense self-hatred and disgust is common in attempts at self-control.
These emotions typically lead to over-indulging in the offending behaviour.
When you slip up, it is critical that you forgive yourself and move on.
Don’t ignore how the mistake makes you feel; just don’t wallow in it.
Instead, shift your attention to what you’re going to do to improve yourself in the future.
Emotionally intelligent people know that success lies in their ability to rise in the face of failure, and they can’t do this when they’re living in the past.
Anything worth achieving is going to require you to take some risks, and you can’t allow failure to stop you from believing in your ability to succeed.
When you live in the past, that is exactly what happens, and your past becomes your present, preventing you from moving forward.
They don’t say yes unless they really want to
Research has shown that the more difficulty you have saying no, the more likely you are to experience stress, burnout, and even depression.
Saying no is indeed a major self-control challenge for many people.
No is a powerful word you should not be afraid to wield.
When it’s time to say no, emotionally intelligent people avoid phrases like “I don’t think I can” or “I’m not certain”.
Saying no to a new commitment honours your existing commitments and gives you the opportunity to successfully fulfil them.
They don’t seek perfection
Emotionally intelligent people won’t set perfection as their target because they know it doesn’t exist.
When perfection is your goal, you’re always left with a nagging sense of failure that makes you want to give up or reduce your effort.
They stay positive
Positive thoughts help you exercise self-control by focusing your brain’s attention onto the rewards you will receive for your effort.
You have to give your wandering brain a little help by consciously selecting something positive to think about.
Any positive thought will do to refocus your attention.
When things are going well and your mood is good, self-control is relatively easy.
When things are going poorly and your mind is flooded with negative thoughts, self-control is a challenge.
In these moments, think about your day and identify one positive thing that happened, or will happen, no matter how small.
If you can’t think of something from the current day, reflect on the past and look to the future.
They avoid asking what if?
What if? statements throw fuel on the fire of stress and worry, which are detrimental to self-control.
Things can go in a million different directions, and the more time you spend worrying about the possibilities, the less time you’ll spend taking action and staying productive.
Productive people know that asking what if? will only take them to a place they don’t want — or need — to go.
Of course, scenario planning is a necessary and effective strategic planning technique.
The key distinction here is to recognise the difference between worry and strategic thinking.
They sleep
When you sleep, your brain literally recharges, shuffling through the day’s memories and storing or discarding them.
Your self-control, attention, and memory are all reduced when you don’t get enough — or the right kind — of sleep.
Sleep deprivation raises stress hormone levels on its own, even without a stressor present, which are a major productivity killer.
When you’re tired, your brain’s ability to absorb glucose is greatly diminished. This makes it difficult to control the impulses that derail your focus.
What’s more, without enough sleep you are more likely to crave sugary snacks to compensate for low glucose levels.
The important thing to remember is you have to give these strategies the opportunity to work.
This means recognising the moments where you are struggling with self-control and, rather than giving in to impulse, give these strategies a go instead.
*Travis Bradberry is the award-winning co-author of the bestselling book, Emotional Intelligence 2.0, and the co-founder of TalentSmart. He can be contacted at TalentSmart.com.
This article first appeared at talentsmart.com
