Travis Bradberry* says people who perform well in conversation do not necessarily have an inborn talent — they just follow a few simple rules.
Too many people succumb to the mistaken belief that the ability to connect with others is a natural, unteachable trait.
In reality, this ability is under your control.
Research shows that being social and connecting with others is as fundamental a human need as food, shelter, and water.
The research discovered that we feel social pain, such as the loss of a relationship, in the same part of the brain that we feel physical pain.
MRI scans of the brain show that social thinking and analytical thinking involve entirely different neural networks and that they operate something like a seesaw.
When you engage in analytical thinking, the social part of your brain quiets down, but as soon as you’re finished, the social network springs back to life.
Given that social connection is such a fundamental human need, you’d think it would be easy to connect with everyone we meet. That’s not the case.
Against our own self-interest, we get bogged down by shyness, self-consciousness, cynicism, pride, competitiveness, jealousy, and arrogance.
Here are some tips that will help you to connect instantly with everyone you meet.
Leave a strong first impression
Research shows that most people decide whether or not they like you within the first seven seconds of meeting you.
They then spend the rest of the conversation internally justifying their initial reaction.
By knowing this, you can take advantage of it to connect with anyone.
First impressions are tied intimately to positive body language.
Using an enthusiastic tone, uncrossing your arms, maintaining eye contact and leaning towards the person who is speaking are all forms of positive body language.
Positive body language can make all the difference in a conversation.
Be the first to venture beyond the superficial
Our first conversation or two with a new acquaintance tends to be pretty superficial.
We portray a careful picture of ourselves, and we stick to nice, safe topics.
If you really want to connect with somebody, try upping the ante and revealing the real you.
You don’t need to get too personal, but it’s important to let the other person know what you’re passionate about.
Most of the time, if you open up, the other person will follow your lead and do the same.
Ask good questions
If the other person seems hesitant to open up, encourage them to do so by asking substantial questions.
“What do you do?” doesn’t further the relationship nearly as much as “why did you choose your profession?”
Learn from them
Be willing to learn from the person you’re trying to connect with.
Not only does that make them feel more bonded to you, it makes them feel important.
It also shows that you’re willing to be vulnerable and aren’t too proud to admit that you have much to learn.
Don’t make them regret removing the mask
If your new acquaintance does you the honour of opening up, don’t make them regret it.
Sarcasm, criticism, or jokes that might make the other person feel judged for what they’ve shared are major faux paus.
Instead, empathise with their approach to life, which you can do even if you don’t agree with their beliefs, and then reciprocate by revealing more about yourself.
Look for the good in them
Our culture can often predispose us toward cynicism.
We seem to focus on finding reasons not to like people instead of reasons to like them.
Shut that cynical voice off, and concentrate on looking for the good in a new acquaintance.
Smile
People naturally (and unconsciously) mirror the body language of the person they’re talking to.
If you want people to like you, smile at them during a conversation and they will unconsciously return the favour.
Use their name
Your name is an essential part of your identity, and it feels terrific when people use it.
People feel validated when the person they’re speaking with refers to them by name during a conversation.
When you meet someone, don’t be afraid to ask their name a second time if you forget it right after you hear it.
Follow the platinum rule
We all know the golden rule, and it’s pretty easy to follow.
The platinum rule is harder to follow because it requires us to treat people the way they want to be treated.
Not only does doing so make the other person more comfortable, it also proves that you’ve been listening and have really heard what they’ve been telling you.
Don’t make it a contest
We’ve seen the stereotypical sit-com scene where two guys in a bar spend the night trying to one-up each other.
The same thing happens when you meet someone new.
Their accomplishments and life experience sneak up on you and make you feel the urge to make yourself look just as good.
Doing so may stroke your ego, but it doesn’t help you to connect with them.
Turn off your inner voice
One giant thing that keeps us from connecting with other people is that we don’t really listen.
We’re so focused on what we’re going to say next or how what the other person is saying is going to affect us down the road that we fail to hear what’s really being said.
You must turn off this inner voice if you want to connect deeply with people.
If your real goal is to connect with a person, you have to shut off your own soundtrack long enough to focus on what they’re telling you.
*Travis Bradberry is the award-winning co-author of the bestselling book, Emotional Intelligence 2.0, and the co-founder of TalentSmart. He can be contacted at TalentSmart.com.
This article first appeared on the TalentSmart website.
