Susan M. Heathfield* says that when difficult co-workers affect your happiness, mental wellbeing and productivity, you have to take action.
Difficult people exist — they come in every variety and no workplace is without them.
How difficult a person is for you to deal with depends on your self-esteem, your self-confidence, and your professional courage.
It is easier when the person is just generally obnoxious or when the behaviour affects more than one person.
Dealing with them is much tougher when they are attacking you, stealthily criticising you or undermining your professional contribution.
Difficult people come in every conceivable variety.
Some talk constantly and never listen.
Others must always have the last word.
Some co-workers fail to keep commitments; others criticise anything that they did not create.
Difficult co-workers compete with you for power, privilege, and the spotlight; some go way too far in courting the boss’s positive opinion — to your detriment.
No matter the type of difficult situation in which you find yourself, dealing with difficult people or situations is a must.
Sure, you can experience a momentary distraction or ill-advised remark from a colleague without doing anything about it.
Everyone has bad days and experiences thoughtless moments, but if the behaviour continues or worse, escalates, you must address it.
Initially, people go into shock when they are treated unprofessionally, so if you take some time to understand exactly what is happening to you, you are not alone.
Once you are fully aware of what is happening, deciding to live with the situation in the long term is not an option.
You will become so angry and feel so much pain that your efforts to address the situation become irrational.
It’s far better to address the difficult person early while you can maintain some objectivity and emotional control.
Make sure that you aren’t fooling yourself to avoid conflict, but cases do exist when you can avoid the difficult person and minimise their impact on your work life — it depends on individual circumstances.
Beware: Constant complaining about the co-worker or situation can quickly earn you the title of whiner or complainer.
You may not only get blamed for being “unable to handle the situation” you may find yourself labelled as a difficult person.
Here are some productive ways in which you can learn and deal with your difficult co-worker.
Examine yourself
Are you sure that the other person is really the problem and that you’re not overreacting?
Do you recognise that you have hot buttons that are easily pushed?
Always start with self-examination to determine that the object of your attention really is a difficult person’s actions.
Consult a trusted friend or colleague
Brainstorm ways to address the situation.
When you are the object of an attack, or your boss appears to support the dysfunctional actions of a co-worker, it is often difficult to objectively assess your options.
Pay attention to the unspoken agreement you create when you solicit another’s assistance.
You are committing to act unless you agree actions will only hurt the situation.
Otherwise, you risk becoming a whiner or complainer in the eyes of your colleague.
Approach the problem person for a private discussion
Talk to the co-worker about what you are experiencing in ‘I’ messages that focus on your experience of the situation rather than on attacking or accusing the other person.
Be pleasant and agreeable.
They may not be aware of the impact of their words or actions on you.
Attempt to reach an agreement about positive and supportive actions going forward.
Follow-up after the initial discussion
Has the behaviour changed — for better or worse?
Determine whether a follow-up discussion will have any impact.
Decide if you want to continue to confront the difficult person by yourself.
Confront your co-worker’s behaviour publicly
Deal with the person with gentle humour or slight sarcasm.
Or, make an exaggerated physical gesture — no, not that one — such as a salute, or place your hand over your heart to indicate a serious wounding.
The success of these tactics for you will depend on your ability to pull them off.
Not all people are spur-of-the-moment funny, but if you are, you can use your humour well.
Seek additional help
If you have employed the first five approaches with little or no success, it’s time to involve others — your boss or manager.
Note that you are escalating the situation.
Prepare to talk with your boss
Take notes and address the issues, not as interpersonal problems, but as issues affecting your productivity.
Recognise that a good boss is likely to bring your difficult co-worker and their supervisor into a three or four-way discussion at this point.
Rally the other employees who might have an issue with the difficult person.
Sometimes, a group approach convinces the boss that the impact of the behaviour is wider and deeper than she had originally determined.
However, be careful with this approach.
You want to solve your problem, not make it look as if you are rabble-rousing and ganging up on another employee.
If these approaches fail to work, try to limit the difficult person’s access to you.
Leave voluntary committees, Choose projects he or she does not impact.
Don’t hurt your own career, but avoidance is an option.
You could ask for a transfer within your organisation.
Fleeing is definitely an option. If all else fails, you can quit your job.
What flee, you ask?
I wasn’t the employee with the problem. I was not a difficult co-worker.
All I tried to do was my job.
You’re right, but what price, in terms of your happiness and success, are you willing to pay to stay?
*Susan M. Heathfield is a writer for The Balance Careers, covering human resources and people management. Since 1987, she has managed her own consulting company.
This article first appeared at dealingwithdifficultpeople.org.
