Gretchen Rubin recalls her struggle to tell the difference between criticism that is meant to be helpful and constructive — and just plain drive-by snarkiness.
I have a very tough time being criticised, corrected, or accused of even the smallest mistakes.
I react very angrily.
I’ve wrestled this instinct under control in a professional context, more or less, but I have more trouble with it at home.
All it takes is for my daughter to make a mild comment such as: “You forgot to remind me to bring my library book,” to set me off.
“What do you mean…it’s not my responsibility…I didn’t know Wednesday was Library Day…” etc., etc.
More and more, I see the connection between perfectionism, control, and anger.
Here are some of the strategies that I try to use to accept criticism.
If I manage to use them, they never fail me, but I don’t always manage to put them to work.
Listen to what a critic is saying:
Really listen, try to understand that point of view, don’t just nod while formulating retorts. Accept just criticism.
Don’t be defensive:
This is the toughest step for me.
With my writing, for example, I always have to take a deep breath before reading an edit letter or meeting with an editor, to remind myself: “I welcome criticism.
“This person is helping me. I’m eager to hear how to improve my book/article/post.”
Don’t expose myself to criticism from people I don’t respect:
I pay a lot of attention to criticism from people I respect, but I try to shield myself from criticism from people I don’t know or don’t respect.
When I get trustworthy criticism about my writing, I act on it, but I try to avoid reading drive-by snarkiness.
Bad is stronger than good, and I fear I’ll change my writing in response to some person’s thoughtless comment in ways that won’t make my work stronger.
I need to stay creative, open-hearted, adventuresome, and honest, and if I feel defensive and apologetic, I won’t maintain those elements.
Delay my reaction:
Count to 10, take a deep breath, sleep on it, wait until the next day to send that email…any kind of delay is good.
A friend told me her rule: When she’s upset about something that happened at her children’s school, she won’t let herself do anything about it for three days.
Usually she decides that no action is better than action.
Admit my mistakes:
My father gave me an outstanding piece of advice when I got my first real job.
“If you take the blame when you deserve it, you’ll get the responsibility.”
I’ve found that to be difficult, but true.
In my experience, until someone in a group (or in a family) accepts blame, everyone stays very anxious and focused on fingering the person at fault.
Once I raise my hand (if appropriate) everyone else can relax.
Then we can all focus on what needs to be done.
Enjoy the fun of failure:
Fact is, trying new things and aiming high exposes me to criticism.
I remind myself to enjoy the fun of failure to try to re-frame failure and criticism as part of the fun.
Otherwise, my dread of criticism can paralyse me.
Once, when I told my husband that I was upset because I’d received a mean comment here on the blog, he said:
“Remember, this is what you want. You want to put your ideas out there. Not everyone is going to be nice.”
That made me feel better.
*Gretchen Rubin is the author of the bestsellers, Better Than Before, The Happiness Project, and Happier at Home. She can be followed on Twitter @gretchenrubin
This article first appeared on Gretchen’s blogsite.
