It’s so easy to say ‘Yes’ at work and in life, but Sara Young Wang* says you may be storing up frustration and unhappiness for yourself which a single ‘No’ might have prevented.
For most of my life I didn’t know what I wanted.
All I knew was I didn’t like what was happening, it didn’t feel good.
Even so, I never said No.
I just kept going along.
In part, because I didn’t think saying no was ever an option.
I’ve come a long way and now see there are always options.
There’s nothing stopping me from saying No to stuff I don’t want.
Except my mind likes to try.
It loves to interject and spew out a ton of reasons why I should just say Yes to whatever it is when my body, heart, intuition, soul, desire is telling me it’s a No.
I’ve learned that saying Yes when it should be a No doesn’t work out.
By saying Yes I was trying to avoid the negative feelings I would have if I said No.
In reality, saying Yes and doing the thing I don’t really want to do feels just as bad, if not worse.
For whatever reason, the things I say Yes to when it should be No go pretty poorly and even more stuff I don’t want happens.
By saying Yes, I send the message to others that this is what I want.
They then respond with more of what they think I want.
Now there’s even more stuff around me I have to either endure or figure out how to say No to.
Let’s say you’re asked to take on a project that’s really not your thing.
You tell yourself many reasons why you can’t say No — maybe you think you will upset your boss.
So you try to do it, but you find yourself not so good at it.
There are other people in the office who would be faster at it, and it’s more work than you initially thought it would be.
You finish the project and everyone at work thinks it’s great and has no idea of your struggle, especially your boss.
The next time a similar project comes up, guess what? It comes to you.
Over time you find yourself as the point person in the office for this type of project.
Maybe there really is no way you could have gotten out of having to do the project.
Did you even ask or explore the options? Did you even attempt to honour that inner voice saying No?
There’s another piece to this I’d like to point out.
Besides all the arguments my mind throws out to convince me to say Yes, there’s also a more subtle underlying fear lurking beneath the surface.
If I honour my No, what will happen in my life? Who will I become? Will people still like me?
I may push up against current concepts of who I am – concepts held by myself and others. That feels scary.
Will I upset people or end up getting fired if I start voicing some of my preferences to my boss and/or colleagues?
Will my colleagues not like me if I don’t keep going to these after-work cocktail events I hate?
Maybe my boss will get mad or feel betrayed if I ask to work on different kinds of projects and/or under someone else?
I may finally have to face what I’ve been feeling deep down, that it’s actually a No to this whole job or career path?
I’m afraid of everything falling apart if I really own up to that.
It feels like a lot of scary unknowns, so, it feels safer to just keep to what we know.
To keep going along with the script, saying Yes and push aside the No.
To deny your No, is really a denial of you.
It’s robbing yourself of the opportunity to find out what you like and to create an authentic life you enjoy.
No opens the door to the possibility of finding a real, true, authentic Yes.
If I spend my time saying Yes to things I really want to say No to, I don’t get a chance to experience things I might really like.
Instead, I fill my time with stuff that feels not so good and rob myself of the possibility of experiencing something different in my life.
When you find that authentic Yes and stand by it, you begin attracting more and more of that goodness into your life.
You’re saying to others and the universe, this is me, more of this please.
It’s the opposite of a downward spiral of shitty stuff. An up-spiral of stuff that feels really good.
So what are some steps you can take?
At work, all day, you’re likely saying a lot of Yes’s that you’d rather have be No’s.
So observe and find those Yes’s that you really want to be No’s.
What’s your mind telling you will happen if you don’t say Yes?
Is it true? Maybe not.
If it is true, then you can have another conversation with yourself about how much you’re willing to put up with.
Maybe the answer is you’re not willing to put up with it.
There’s so much at work that’s a No you want to consider changing jobs.
Go for it. Life is too short to not get to be yourself and like your life.
*Sara Young Wang is a career coach for young professionals and entrepreneurs. She can be contacted at www.syoungwang.com
A fuller version of this article appeared at Forbes.com.
