Joan Kuhl* says that even men who have the right intentions still need women’s explicit guidance around what is and what is not appropriate in the workplace.
The #MeToo movement helped topple predators and ushered in new laws against sexual harassment in the workplace.
But there have also been some unintended consequences.
Men, for example, are now three times more uncomfortable mentoring women.
This is bad news for women because men hold the majority of senior leadership positions in business, healthcare, government and sports.
We need men to support our careers as our sponsors, mentors, trusted teammates, protegees and partners.
So how do we approach them to give feedback about “what they said” and how they behaved?
How do we get them to better work with us and our peers?
Here are three ways to get true male allies on board to create equitable workplaces and opportunities:
- Don’t let it slide
Women have asked me how to deal with men whom they perceive as allies but whom have recently behaved otherwise.
For example, Nicole, a female executive, shared a story about a colleague who confided in her that her boss said “women on maternity leave should not be included in the promotional cycle”.
Mark, the man who made this remark, was both an influential leader in the organisation and a trusted colleague of Nicole’s.
In fact, Nicole recounted several occasions when he had been a strong advocate of hers.
Nicole was hesitant to say something to Mark in case this was a one-off incident.
But the truth is that a comment like Mark’s can trigger bias in the talent management process and become a viral rumour that intimidates women from announcing pregnancy or pursuing motherhood.
Maternal bias is one of the strongest types as it assumes women can’t be highly committed to both work and family.
So, what can you do to avoid a huge negative ripple effect from one person’s comment?
Follow up directly: Express your desire to better understand his perspective on the performance and promotion process.
Frame your intention: State your commitment to ensure that employees feel the organisation fully supports working parents.
Initiate a dialogue: Broach this topic without betraying the confidence of your female colleague. You can mention that this sentiment has been expressed through multiple sources and you want to be proactive in aligning leadership to an inclusive and equitable process so you want to explore his perspective and share your own.
If Mark truly is an ally, he should be open to reflecting and ready to explore opportunities to restate his support for the advancement of women throughout all stages of life.
- Give explicit guidance
Research unveils a growing angst among men to discuss relationships with women in the workplace.
Men report being insecure about how women really feel about them and this amplifies their avoidance of the subject.
We must be really explicit about what is and what is not appropriate in scenarios surrounding mentorship, talent management and day to day interactions.
Jermyn Davis is a student at the University of North Carolina who serves as the Vice President of Allies in the Carolina Women in Business student group.
Incidents have come up in the classroom and in his workplace experiences where he believes men could do a better job championing women.
Distribute office housework responsibilities:
In study groups and team projects, Davis makes sure the “office housework” like taking notes, coordinating meetup logistics and tracking key dates doesn’t fall solely on women.
Use data and say something:
In the classroom, if a student makes a remark that implies bias toward women, Davis doesn’t let it go unnoticed. He respectfully points out how it could be based in gender stereotypes or how the nature of the remark could be harmful to a woman’s perceived leadership abilities or performance.
Look for representation gaps:
Jermyn leverages his leadership influence to advocate for representation on campus and in the workplace. He will point out the gaps on teams to peers and advocate for the recruitment of women in the interview process.
- Promote safe, comfortable and respectful mentoring relationships
Having a mentor is one of the most profound ways that people develop and find success at work.
We need to ensure that everyone can have access to a safe, comfortable and respectful mentoring relationship.
If a male leader or peer does not have female protegees, offer these tips to encourage them to diversify the impact of their mentorship.
Commit to the same policies for meeting with a female mentee as you would for meeting with a male mentee.
If you feel more comfortable meeting with women in public spaces during work hours, that is how you should meet with men as well.
Having different rules for men and women can put female colleagues at a disadvantage.
Establish trust from the start:
Listen closely; ask about her experiences and how the barriers she may be facing at work are perpetuated without you potentially being aware of it.
Focus on goals and competencies:
Make sure that professional growth and development are top priorities of your mentor meetings and that your feedback focuses on professional skills and talents.
The bottom line is that the men who we believe have the right intentions still need our explicit guidance around what is and what is not appropriate.
In environments where bad behaviours surface, we must align with allies of both genders to champion a speak-up culture.
There is robust and extensive data to reinforce the benefits for how gender equality efforts serve all of our careers.
So, learn the facts, use the data and reinforce it confidently.
Together, we can either be part of the 100-year-old problem or join forces to champion the solutions.
* Joan Kuhl is a champion for girls’ leadership and advancing women in the workforce. Her website is www.joankuhl.com.
This article first appeared at www.nbcnews.com.
