Travis Bradberry* urges us to take account of the careless, throwaway phrases that could have an unintended negative effect on the people who receive them.
We’ve all said things that people interpreted much differently than we thought they would.
These seemingly benign comments lead to the awful feeling that only comes when you’ve planted your foot firmly in your mouth.
Verbal slip-ups often occur because we say things without knowledge of the subtle implications they carry.
Understanding these implications requires social awareness — the ability to pick up on the emotions and experiences of other people.
Some people lack social awareness because they are so focused on what they are going to say next.
They lose sight of the people they are talking to.
You can’t hope to understand someone until you focus all of your attention in his or her direction.
The beauty of social awareness is that a few simple adjustments to what you say can vastly improve your relationships with other people.
There are some phrases that emotionally intelligent people are careful to avoid in casual conversation.
The following are the worst offenders.
You look tired:
Tired people are incredibly unappealing — they have droopy eyes and messy hair.
They have trouble concentrating, and they’re as grouchy as they come.
Telling someone he looks tired implies all of the above and then some.
Instead say: “Is everything okay?”
Instead of assuming someone’s disposition, just ask. This way, he can open up and share.
More importantly, he will see you as concerned instead of rude.
You always… or you never…:
No one always or never does anything.
People don’t see themselves as one-dimensional, so you shouldn’t attempt to define them as such.
These phrases make people defensive and closed off to your message.
Simply point out what the other person did that’s a problem for you.
If the frequency of the behaviour is an issue, you can always say: “It seems like you do this often.” or “you do this often enough for me to notice.”
As I said before…:
We all forget things from time to time.
This phrase makes it sound as if you’re insulted at having to repeat yourself, which is hard on the recipient.
Getting insulted over having to repeat yourself suggests that either you’re insecure or you think you’re better than everyone else.
Few people who use this phrase actually feel this way.
When you say it again, see what you can do to convey the message in a clearer and more interesting manner.
This way they’ll remember what you said.
Good luck:
This is a subtle one.
It certainly isn’t the end of the world if you wish someone good luck, but you can do better because this phrase implies that they need luck to succeed.
Instead say: “I know you have what it takes.”
This is better than wishing her luck because suggesting that she has the skills needed to succeed provides a huge boost of confidence.
It’s up to you…or whatever you want:
While you may be indifferent to the question, your opinion is important to the person asking.
Instead say: “I don’t have a strong opinion either way, but a couple things to consider are…”
When you offer an opinion (even without choosing a side), it shows you care about the person asking.
Well at least I’ve never ___:
This phrase is an aggressive way to shift attention away from your mistake by pointing out an old, likely irrelevant mistake the other person made.
Owning up to your mistake is the best way to bring the discussion to a more rational, calm place so that you can work things out.
Admitting guilt is an amazing way to prevent escalation.
Wow, you’ve lost a ton of weight:
Once again, a well-meaning comment — in this case a compliment — creates the impression that you’re being critical.
Telling someone that she has lost a lot of weight suggests that she used to look fat or unattractive.
Instead say: “You look fantastic.” This one is an easy fix.
Instead of comparing how she looks now to how she used to look, just compliment her for looking great.
It takes the past right out of the picture.
You were too good for her anyway:
When someone severs ties with a relationship of any type, personal or professional, this comment implies he has bad taste and made a poor choice in the first place.
Instead say: “Her loss”. This provides the same enthusiastic support and optimism without any implied criticism.
You look great for your age:
Using ‘for your’ as a qualifier always comes across as condescending and rude.
No one wants to be in good shape relative to other people who are also knocking on death’s door.
Instead say: “You look great.” This one is another easy fix. Genuine compliments don’t need qualifiers.
In everyday conversation, it’s the little things that make all the difference.
Try these suggestions out, and you’ll be amazed at the positive response you get.
*Travis Bradberry is the co-founder of TalentSmart, a provider of emotional intelligence tests, emotional intelligence training, and emotional intelligence certification. He can be contacted at TalentSmart.com.
This article first appeared on the TalentSmart website
