Sonia McDonald* explains how being ‘nice’ is a leadership quality that can backfire if it is not used properly.
I love feedback. I see feedback as a gift even when it sucks.
Recently I received some uncomfortable feedback from my mentor: “Sonia, you are too nice.”
He felt it could be impacting my leadership.
“WTF!” Then I counted to five which is a great technique when you receive challenging feedback.
I thought to myself, maybe I need to explore what this means and is my style backfiring on me.
I started thinking about times where I have been too nice and the impact of this on what is important to me.
Maybe he was right on more occasions than I would like to admit — the times I have been taken advantage of for being nice.
In turn, ‘nice’ quality is also a superpower.
I want to explore why being nice and being strong is absolutely the way to go. No more Miss Nice Girl here…well maybe on some occasions.
We’re taught from a young age to ‘play nice’ if we don’t want to find ourselves in trouble.
As we grow older, these early messages can turn into unconscious scripts that impact our personal and professional lives.
The early childhood message to ‘play nice’ is especially apparent in our relationships with others.
It is often louder than the call for us to be strong, set clear boundaries, or even prioritise our own needs over the needs of others.
So how nice should a leader be?
If you’re too nice you risk being a complete pushover.
You might see deadlines come and go; you might become friends with your employees at the expense of being able to give them tough feedback.
Being an empathetic, kind person who cares about their employees is one thing.
Being afraid of letting someone go who is underperforming or not suited for a position is where ‘nice’ and ‘leadership’ should part ways.
It’s important to redefine what ‘nice’ means when it relates to leadership.
Nice shouldn’t mean being a pushover, always saying yes, and being incapable of having courageous conversations.
Nice needs to be redefined.
What then are the qualities that contribute to having a positive leadership and impact?
Research at the University of Michigan points to six essential qualities for cultivating positive leadership and having a positive impact on your organisation.
Caring for, being interested in, and maintaining responsibility for colleagues as friends.
Providing support for one another, including offering kindness and compassion when others are struggling.
Avoiding blame and forgiving mistakes.
Inspiring and motivating one another at work.
Emphasising the meaningfulness of the work.
Treating one another with respect, gratitude, trust, kindness and integrity.
These qualities are about cultivating warmth, accountability, approachability, and compassion, which go beyond the singular quality of being nice.
There’s a difference between simply being nice and being empathetic, warm, approachable and so forth.
Being nice doesn’t necessarily mean you care about others, it might just mean you care what others think about you, and about how you look to others.
Nor does empathy and these other qualities mean you will do whatever people want and or feel entitled to.
I would recommend listening to your people, showing them you care about their lives, maintaining an open door policy.
These are all traits of positive and kind leadership that blend the needs of the organisation with the needs of the employee.
Whereas being nice has the potential to place the needs of one above the needs of all.
Here are some tips to help you be a strong (and courageous) and ‘nice’ leader.
Look at your relationship with nice
Some reflection is needed to discover why this is a priority.
Examine what has adversely impacted you about this relationship with being nice and what has helped.
Keep what has helped, discard/change what has not served you.
Look at your values as a leader
Determine the most important leadership traits that you want to emulate.
It may help to ask yourself: “How do I want to be remembered? What do I want my legacy to be?”
Is it important to you to be remembered as a really nice leader or one who positively impacted those with whom she came in contact? There’s a difference.
Avoid the big behavioural shift
A sudden change to your overall character will be jarring to your employees.
Gradually shift to incorporate compassion, kindness and empathy over niceness and see what happens.
Get a coach
It’s one thing to want to stop being too nice, it’s another thing to actually make the adjustment.
This is where a coach comes in to guide, mentor, help break those unhealthy patterns, and offer suggestions.
I am staying ‘nice’. However I am going to be more focused on being strong, courageous and kind as a leader.
*Sonia McDonald is the Chief Executive and founder of Brisbane-based LeadershipHQ and McDonald Inc. She can be contacted at soniamcdonald.com.au.
This article first appeared on LinkedIn.
