Just what might go on inside Parliament House after the next federal election? Photo: Michelle Kroll.
It’s July 2028 and public service bosses are gathered in the main committee room at Parliament House for their first combined audience with the Prime Minister, following the nastiest federal election in Australia’s history.
The six-week campaign was brutal, with orchestrated, grubby personal attacks a feature in every electorate.
But things have settled somewhat, and it’s now down to business.
Governor-General Sam Mostyn will next week open the 49th Parliament to great pomp and ceremony (her last big duty before exiting the post early for new G-G Gina Rinehart). Today, however, the secretaries have an audience with the PM.
The tension in the room is palpable. Nerves are on edge. But the excitement is real, too.
Angus Taylor strides into the room, all smiles and bravado, while doing the rounds, shaking hands with the APS bosses who have all jumped to their feet.
Congratulations are offered to him as he makes his way around the room.
“It was a great election,” Taylor repeats a few times, adding, “Yes, yes, a good result”.
He then looks out from the top bench and asks the secretaries to sit.
They all take their seats but quickly jump back to their feet only seconds later.
“Please welcome to the room the 32nd Prime Minister of Australia,” Taylor says.
Prime Minister Hanson bounces in and starts high-fiving some of the APS bosses.
“Well done, Pauline,” says Peta Credlin, Secretary of the Department of Prime Minister and Cabinet.
“Oh, just call me Prime Minister,” Hanson cheekily shoots back.
Laughs all round.
DFAT boss Greg Sheridan and Department of Social Services secretary Janet Albrechtsen are next to rush up and congratulate the PM, before they are interrupted by Secretary of State Malcolm Roberts, who ushers the PM to her seat front and centre.
“Welcome to you all,” Hanson says.
“Who would have thunk it? A 94-seat majority and Albo couldn’t hang on to government.
“That’s what you get when you give the Australian people rubbish and call it policy.
“Bad policies are never going to fly with the Australian people, and they don’t fly with me.”
She looks around the room and smiles at the familiar faces.
“Most of you are new to your roles,” she says, then laughs while adding, “well, all of you are” and casts a chuckle to Taylor sitting beside her.
“Australia couldn’t continue with that hand-picked rabble Labor had running the public service. No sireee.
“So, Deputy Prime Minister young Angus here and I have together personally picked the public service heads of department we want running this country under the new management of this One Liberal Nation government.”
A voice from the back of the room chimes in: “All in an apolitical way, of course, being public servants and all.”
A moment’s deadly silence is broken by raucous laughter as the secretaries turn around to see Barnaby Joyce standing behind them.
“Please ignore the Minister for Women,” says Hanson with a smile.
“We all know he’s kidding. When did you slip into the room anyway, Barnaby?”
Barnaby: “I was ‘ere all the time. All night, in fact. Ended up in the corner over there after a big night celebrating with my staff last night.”
Knowing nods and a few “well dones” followed.
The PM calls the room back to order.
“Speaking of my Cabinet,” she says, “Resources Minister Clive Palmer can’t be with us today. He doesn’t really like meetings, you understand.
“But Attorney-General Michaelia Cash will be along shortly after she’s signed off on the writ for Courtney Act’s arrest.
“She’s been very bogged down in paperwork, too, abolishing the Human Rights Commission. But she’ll be here soon with her big, warm smiling face.
“Agriculture Minister Andrew Hastie is in a meeting with Defence Minister Matt Canavan at the moment – and don’t we all just love Matty Canavan?
“But all the rest of my ministry are here with us today. You’ll get to know their faces and names soon enough.
“I’d like to say the first thing on my agenda is immigration policy, because that’s what I’d promised it would be.
“Or, our housing policy, but we still haven’t quite worked that one out yet. It didn’t seem to bother the voters, though (snort, snort, chuckle, chuckle).
“But no. First on the agenda is preparing for a presidential visit.
“Americans have their elections in a few months, and if all goes to plan, President Vance will be reelected. It’s a shame how Trump went, but that’s life – and politics.
“JD is our man, though, and he’s promised me Australia will be his first port of call after the election.
“So we have to pull out all stops to make sure he is royally welcomed. That’s what Australians want.”
After a few more formalities, the meeting closes and everyone departs the room.
As they are leaving, the PM and Barnaby are overheard by some in conversation.
Barnaby: “You know, it should be me who is the Deputy PM, coalition agreement or not.”
Hanson: “Suck it up, sweetheart.”
Original Article published by Chris Johnson on Region Canberra.
