How do you avoid co-worker conflicts? Photo: File.
Gretchen Rubin has developed the Four Tendencies and believes knowing to which tendency you belong can help you better relate to others at work.
There’s one simple question that can help you make decisions, keep promises to yourself and others, and relate to other people.
Sound too easy? It turns out that answering the question: “How do I respond to expectations?” brings enormous clarity.
If you’ve ever wondered: “Why do I act this way?” or “why can’t others see things as I do?” then this question can provide insight
Several years ago, as I was working on my book about how we can make or break our habits, Better Than Before, I started noticing patterns among myself, my colleagues, my friends and family.
Do any of these sound familiar?
“People tell me I ask too many questions.”
“I can keep my promises to other people, but I can’t keep my promises to myself.”
“I can’t stand it when people change the schedule at the last minute, even if they have a good reason.”
“The minute someone tells me to do something, I don’t want to do it.”
After great effort, I was able to figure out the pattern and created the Four Tendencies personality framework.
I list the tendencies as Upholders, Questioners, Obligers and Rebels – more about these categories later.
Knowing your tendency can help you make better decisions, meet deadlines, improve your habits, meet your promises to yourself, suffer less stress, and engage more effectively with others.
Knowing others’ tendencies can help you reduce conflict, end frustration and procrastination, empathise more deeply, and work with people more effectively.
We all meet or resist two kinds of expectations.
Outer expectations (keep a work deadline, meet a request from a friend).
Inner expectations (keep a New Year’s resolution, get back into meditation).
Whether you meet or resist outer and inner expectations determines your tendency.
- Upholders respond readily to outer and inner expectations. They meet the work deadline and the New Year’s resolution without much fuss. Motto: Discipline is my freedom.
- Questioners question all expectations; they’ll meet an expectation if they think it makes sense; they convert all expectations into inner expectations. If something fails their inner standard, they resist. Motto: I’ll comply, if you convince me why.
- Obligers meet outer expectations but they struggle to meet inner expectations. They excel at keeping their promises to other people, but they can’t keep their promises to themselves. Motto: You can count on me; and I’m counting on you to count on me.
- Rebels resist all expectations, outer and inner alike. They want to do what they want to do, and if you ask them to do something, they’re likely to resist. They don’t even tell themselves what to do. Motto: You can’t make me, and neither can I.
Once you know your tendency, you can use that knowledge in the workplace for more happiness, productivity, and cooperation.
Remember, for each tendency, the biggest strength is also the biggest weakness.
How might you use this self-insight at work? Here are some ideas.
- Upholders: If something needs to get done, put it on the calendar. Tell co-workers you work best when you have deadlines, clear expectations, and lots of notice when priorities or schedules will change. Realise that you might seem inflexible, nit-picky, or overly demanding to others.
- Questioners: If something needs to get done, do the work to understand the most efficient, customised, and justified approach. Tell co-workers you work best when you understand the reasons and justifications for their requests and expectations. Realise that others might feel defensive when you want to do more research before making a decision, or frustrated when you refuse to do something because you think it doesn’t make sense.
- Obligers: If something needs to get done, make sure you have outer accountability. Deadlines, check-ins, deliverables – these help Obligers do their best work. Also, make sure you have accountability for taking vacations, working reasonable hours, and not over-committing. Tell co-workers you work best when expectations are clear and monitored. Realise that others may not sympathise when you get over-extended by saying “yes” to too many requests, and why they may react with surprise or anger if you fall into Obliger-rebellion.
- Rebels: If something needs to get done, find opportunities to do it in your own way, in your own time. Tie the goal to your identity (a great salesperson, a reliable co-worker, an entrepreneur, an artist). Tell co-workers you work best with lots of freedom and choice. Realise that others might get frustrated if you resist when they ask or tell you to do something, or by your insistence on doing things your own way instead of following the rules.
*Gretchen Rubin is the author of the New York Times bestsellers, Better Than Before, The Happiness Project, and Happier at Home. She writes about happiness and habit-formation. She can be followed on Twitter @gretchenrubin.
This article first appeared on Gretchen’s blogsite.
