26 September 2023

Toxic atmosphere: How a ‘gaslight’ boss can burn up a workplace

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Rebecca Marie Jo* says a ‘gaslighting’ boss is the most nefarious kind and may cause harm not only to your career, but also to your psyche.


Photo: Scott Rodgerson

Everyone has worked with an underwhelming or disappointing boss at some time.

Whether it’s the boss who overshares, the boss without work/life balance, or the one who micromanages, bad bosses are the subject of happy hour grievances and the top cause of employee turnover across the globe.

For every incompetent or overbearing manager, there’s a more nefarious kind who may cause harm not only to your career but also to your psyche.

Those are more commonly known as gaslighters.

Gaslighting was brought into the modern-day lexicon and sparked a national debate after writer Lauren Duca outlined what gaslighting at a societal level looks like for a 2016 article following the election of US President, Donald Trump.

Inspired by the 1944 film Gaslight, the term refers to an emotional manipulation strategy in which an abuser makes their victim repeatedly question their perception of reality.

Although tactics may vary, gaslighting always offsets accountability and shortcomings to the subject of the abuse.

If your confidence has taken a hit in your current role and you feel like you’re going crazy when you consider your work, a gaslighting boss might be to blame.

However, gaslighting is not as easily identified in day-to-day relationships as it is on paper.

In many cases, gaslighting creates a toxic power dynamic between the abuser and the victim which is usually compacted when the offender is your boss.

It also feels particularly intense in the workplace because of the emotional response this manipulation solicits.

A gaslighting boss might use undue judgment, an unnecessary level of scrutiny, or microaggressions to manage.

Here are some classic gaslighting examples to be aware of:

Strategic codependency

Your boss pretends not to see you, acknowledge your work, or refuses to listen to your feedback.

Meanwhile, they might offer isolated compliments and praise that seems out of place or uncharacteristically generous.

By creating an environment where direct reports compete with peers for praise or opportunities to build their trust, they cement an unequal power dynamic, as well as mistrust among the team.

Countering and diverting

When they feel challenged, gaslighting bosses double-down with circular conversations, counterattacks, or arguments that deviate from the points at hand.

Author Shahida Arabi captures this tactic perfectly: “They do this in order to discredit, confuse and frustrate you, distract you from the main problem and make you feel guilty for being a human being with actual thoughts and feelings that might differ from their own.”

Trivialising

If your boss makes your needs or your experiences seem insignificant to theirs or the organisation’s at large, if you bring up concerns and your boss suggests you’re too emotional, making a big deal out of nothing, or that you should just get with the program, your boss is actively trivialising your agency.

They’re also calling your perception of reality into question by making you doubt whether your inherent response to these behaviours is appropriate while taking no time to reflect on theirs.

Punitive punishments

If you try to disrupt the power balance by presenting any concerns within your workplace under a gaslighting boss, you may also experience judgment or punitive punishment such as your boss sabotaging your work.

Forgetting/denial

Your boss claims to have forgotten conversations as they occurred or denies promises made — for example, if a boss promised a raise or compensation following a project or sale you completed but then insists the conversation never happened.

To avoid falling into these workplace pitfalls and maintain healthy boundaries, consider the following tips on how to productively manage these situations.

  • Record everything in writing and have witnesses when possible. Try keeping a record of your conversations via email and avoid making spoken agreements that can’t be corroborated with documentation.

This makes it harder for gaslighters to question your experiences and you’ll have a reference point if they try. Make sure to copy team members on emails whenever possible and communicate facts or necessary information as clearly as possible.

  • Lean on your tribe. When a boss is making you question your sense of reality, feedback from people you know and trust is absolutely essential. Don’t underestimate the power of a group of peers who can provide you with professional feedback and understanding.

When you feel like you’re losing your grasp, this group will be imperative as a sounding-board and moral compass.

  • Trust your gut. Gaslighting takes a toll on your confidence, self-esteem, and emotional health. This may prompt depressive episodes, anxiety, apathy towards your work, or an unending sense of being overwhelmed.

If you constantly feel attacked at work but can’t identify why, pay attention to subtle tactics and prompts that seek to undermine or discredit you. Make a record of them and escalate it to the appropriate team members when possible.

  • A good example of escalating an issue with a gaslighting manager appropriately is talking to your HR representative. If systematic sabotage is a reoccurring issue or you consider yourself in constant danger of emotional, physical, or mental harm, reach out to a trusted resource within the Department.

Be prepared with written or documented examples and think about solution-oriented outcomes you can request in your meeting. This will help your case move along in a productive manner.

  • Many may suggest telling the offender exactly how you feel, but for people who are in a position of power and do not showcase healthy emotional boundaries, this may be another opportunity to counter your perception of reality. It may be unlikely that the other party is willing to do the work to communicate or behave appropriately.

In such cases, another option may be a departmental transfer or finding a new job altogether. Make sure you don’t get caught in an endless cycle of having to prove yourself or seeking reasonable outcomes. Challenging this type of boss offers an opportunity for them to stress your faults while entirely failing to acknowledge their own.

  • Keep the upper hand. Unfortunately, emotional reactions might incite the abuser to blame you for escalating the issue inappropriately, or prompt them to double-down by alienating you or adding punitive punishments. There’s a Polish proverb I find particularly helpful in situations like this: “Not my circus, not my monkeys.”

Make sure you’re not becoming a sideshow for workplace manipulation. And when it’s time to move on to a new chapter in your career, leave the monkeys behind.

* Rebecca Marie Jo is a writer, podcaster, and magazine managing editor. Her website is pearlandsalt.com.

This article first appeared at www.ladders.com.

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