The current cost-of-living crisis may see couples arguing about finances more than ever, Kellie Scott* has solutions.
When Kirstie fights with her partner about money, it can get intense.
“It’s nasty, it’s bitter, it’s very full on,” the 32-year-old from regional Queensland says.
Kirstie is self-employed and her earnings can fluctuate, while her partner has consistent ongoing employment.
“Some weeks I’ll earn more, some weeks I’ll earn less — and it’s just that constant thing of feeling like it’s unequal.”
The pair have a young child, which makes things extra tense when money is tight, Kirstie says.
“I’ve been really poor in my life, so I’m scared to have that with a child,” she says.
“I burnt through my nest egg earlier in the year due to having COVID, and then my daughter having COVID.
“It was so stressful.”
With people needing time off work due to COVID-19 and other viruses, and the rising cost of living, many couples may find themselves fighting about money more than ever.
Nerve-wracking times financially
Nicole Heales is a financial planner and mortgage broker.
She says the young people she sees are especially panicking about money right now.
“I’m older, I’ve lived through 18 per cent interest rates.
I lived through the Global Financial Crisis,” Ms Heales says.
“But young people, who have never dealt with inflation before, have never seen interest rates rise.
“And those same people have been brought up with credit cards and mobile phone plans … we had to save before we bought anything.”
Ms Heales adds there are a lot of stresses happening at once.
“Everybody is highly sensitive because of COVID as well.
“People have lost jobs and businesses, family members and friends.”
Talking about money is already difficult for a lot of couples, explains psychologist and couples therapist Sian Khuman.
Each person comes into a relationship with different experiences and history with finances.
“The experience of how their own family addressed income, spending, saving,” Ms Khuman says.
She says those of us who find money difficult to discuss will only find it harder when things are tighter.
“Or [if] you feel like the relationship is not equal in some way, that will put more strain on.”
Diffusing money arguments
We asked both Ms Heales and Ms Khuman for their advice if money arguments are a recurring issue in your household.
We have combined their suggestions below.
Involve a third party
Couples can consider seeing a financial planner or financial counsellor depending on their circumstances.
A financial counsellor is government funded and independent and usually helps people in debt.
Financial planners generally help people who have money to invest.
“See an expert — not someone in the family who thinks they’re an expert,” recommends Ms Heales.
A couples therapist may also be able to help you navigate those tricky conversations, says Ms Khuman.
Get curious
Asking your partner questions about money can be a good conversation starter and a way to learn more about their take on your financial circumstance.
“Do you want to manage debt better? Do you know how we will pay our debt down? What would make life less stressful?” are some examples Ms Heales lists
Also make sure you are both across your budget and other financial interests, like the mortgage if you have one.
Fortnightly money chats to check in with one another can stop problems spiralling.
Be on the same team
Playing the blame game rarely makes for a calm discussion.
Approaching your money chats like a team makes you more objective and focused on solutions.
What is the problem we are trying to solve together?
“Set up a time together to talk about it in a neutral place or at a time when both of you know are feeling OK and open to having the conversation,” says Ms Khuman.
“Rather than jumping into it late at night or when someone is on the way to work.”
Divide and conquer
Just because you both need to be across your financial situation, doesn’t mean both people need to be an expert in every task.
“To be equal you don’t have to do exactly the same thing,” says Ms Heales.
“Maybe one takes care of the debt and bills, and the other reviews the insurance and mortgages each year.
“Split the difference.”
Sharing the load might help lessen the stress on each party.
Take a break
If money discussions are leading to fights, Ms Khuman says it’s important to take a break, but always make a time to come back to it.
Have a list of concerns to discuss when the time is right to help you focus on the present issue.
Taking responsibility
Ms Heales says looking after you own wealth is like your health.
“You have to get involved; one person might be more interested, but you can’t be sitting back doing nothing,” she says.
“You need to be responsible for your own wellbeing.”
*Kellie Scott is a digital journalist based at the ABC Brisbane office.
This article first appeared at abc.net.au.
