Bruce Kasanoff* says being truly self-aware is knowing how others perceive you rather than how you perceive yourself.
One of the smartest insights I’ve seen a leader share this year came from the Chief Executive of Utah-based Weave, Brandon Rodman.
He wrote: “Contrary to what the phrase ‘self-awareness’ implies, it means to be aware of how others perceive you. It’s not how you perceive yourself.
“It doesn’t matter if you think you are aggressive, it matters if others do.”
So when you catch yourself saying that you are self-aware, you probably aren’t.
Self-awareness is a practice, not a skill. It requires that you develop tactics to gather honest and accurate feedback from others.
For example, you could check in with two other attendees of a meeting and ask: “Did I convey the impression that I was open to the ideas of others, or did I sell my own positions too hard?”
Author, Tasha Eurich (pictured) wrote in the Harvard Business Review that “even though most people believe they are self-aware, self-awareness is a truly rare quality.
“We estimate that only 10-to-15 per cent of the people we studied actually fit the criteria,” Dr Eurich wrote.
She makes the case that “self-awareness isn’t one truth. It’s a delicate balance of two distinct, even competing, viewpoints”.
The first viewpoint is internal self-awareness: How you see your emotions, reactions, beliefs, and so on.
It’s what most people think of as self-awareness.
The second variation, which I’m writing about today, is external self-awareness.
It is understanding how others perceive you, and Tasha discovered there is virtually no relationship between these two types.
You can be highly aware of your own reactions and emotions and still have immense blind spots when it comes to grasping the ways that others perceive you.
The more unbiased external feedback you get — and the more openly you consider it — the more likely you are to have accurate external self-awareness.
For example, if you want to spend more time listening and less time talking, you could record and get a transcript of every meeting in which you participate.
Then you could get an intern to analyse the percentage of time you spoke in each meeting.
There’s another simple technique you might try, as suggested by Chief Executive of Level 2 Legal, Joey Seeber.
He suggests asking at the end of every interaction: “Has this been of value to you?” and then deeply listening to the response.
Of course, if you surround yourself with people who tell you only what you want to hear, no amount of questioning will produce accurate feedback.
Above all else, you must demonstrate with your actions and reactions that you cherish frank feedback, even when it is critical.
*Bruce Kasanoff is a ghostwriter for entrepreneurs. He is the author of How to Grow Your Career by Helping Others.
This article first appeared at Kasanoff.com
