Drift is the decision we make by not deciding, or by making a decision that unleashes consequences for which we don’t take responsibility. Photo: pmostrategies.com.
From choices about careers or marriage partners, Gretchen Rubin says drift is more prevalent in our lives than we care to imagine, with consequences that often do not turn out well.
One of my Secrets of Adulthood is: “Decisions will be made, by choice or by chance, because not deciding is a decision. Not choosing is a choice.”
This Secret of Adulthood is related to the subject of drift, a subject I’ve written about before. Drift is the decision we make by not deciding, or by making a decision that unleashes consequences for which we don’t take responsibility.
Maybe we’re not sure what to do, so we take the easiest course. Maybe a particular decision would make someone else very happy — or keep them from being angry — so we do it.
I fear drift. Drift feels small, but once unleashed, it is a powerful, often almost-unstoppable, force.
Drift can show up in our work lives. You go to medical school because both your parents are doctors. You take a job because someone offers it to you.
I drifted into law school because I didn’t know what else I wanted to do. It seemed like a legitimate, useful way to get more education; it would keep my options open; I could always change my mind later; I was good at reading and writing.
I didn’t really think much about the decision. As it turns out, I’m very glad I went to law school — drift sometimes does lead to a happy result, which contributes to its dangerous appeal. However, many people who go to law school aren’t happy they went.
Just taking one drifting step can set you on a course that’s hard to stop. In my case, I drifted into taking the law-school application test. “Why not? Might as well, could come in handy, maybe I’ll be glad I did” etc.
Drift can also show up in our personal lives. You get married because all your friends are getting married. You move to the suburbs because everyone your age is moving there.
An engaged friend made it obvious that she didn’t want to get married.
I asked her: “Imagine that something happened, and you couldn’t get married next month. Your fiance absolutely had to move to China for a year, alone, immediately. How would you feel?”
“Relieved,” was her answer, and yet, when he asked her to marry him, she said yes; when he said they needed to set a wedding date, she went along; she went through with the wedding, and got divorced a year later. To be sure, drift is different from mindfully deciding not to decide; some situations look like drift but aren’t.
We may be following a pathless path — and that’s fine, if that’s what we intend to do. Or we may need to choose between multiple courses, with their pros and cons, and we’re still deciding. This isn’t drift, because we’re actively weighing our options.
However, if this goes on too long — and it’s hard to know what’s too long — it can become drift. The word ‘’drift’’ makes drift sound like the easy path, because drift has overtones of laziness or ease, but that’s not the case. Drift is often disguised by a huge amount of effort and perseverance.
For me, following the path of law was hard, from studying to get into law school, then more study to get my qualification, to clerking, to taking the bar exam. To end drift, we must recognise that we’re drifting. It can be painful to contemplate, but valuable.
Another of my drift-related Secrets of Adulthood is: “Approval from the people we admire is sweet, but it’s not enough to be the foundation of a happy life.”
Here’s a Secret of Adulthood from George Bernard Shaw, when he wrote in Man and Superman: “To be in hell is to drift: To be in heaven is to steer.”
It comes back, as always, to a fundamental truth about happiness: In order to create a happier life, we have to know ourselves and build our lives around our own natures.
One of the most important lessons I’ve learned is that there is no one-size-fits-all approach to happiness. We must know ourselves and what’s right for us, because we can build a happy life only on the foundation of our own values, interests, strengths, and temperament.
Gretchen Rubin is the founder of The Happiness Project, which creates imaginative products and tools to help people become happier, healthier, more productive, and more creative. She can be contacted at her website, gretchenrubin.com.
