Travis Bradberry* says studies have proven the three most important qualities in likeable people are sincerity, transparency and an ability to understand other people.
Too many people succumb to the mistaken belief that being likeable comes from natural, unteachable traits.
The good looking, the fiercely social, and the incredibly talented.
In reality, being likeable is under your control, and it’s a matter of emotional intelligence (EQ).
In a study conducted by the University of California Los Angeles, subjects rated more than 500 descriptions of people based on their perceived significance to likeability.
The top-rated descriptors had nothing to do with being gregarious, intelligent, or attractive.
Instead, the top descriptors were sincerity, transparency, and the ability to understand another person.
TalentSmart research data shows that people who possess these skills aren’t just highly likeable, they out-perform those who don’t by a large margin.
Another study found that managers were willing to accept an auditor’s argument with no supporting evidence if he or she was likeable.
Being likeable is as much about avoiding behaviour that decreases your likeability as it is about magnifying those that increase it.
I did some digging to uncover the key behaviour that holds people back when it comes to likeability.
Name-dropping:
It’s great to know important and interesting people, but using every conversation as an opportunity to name-drop is pretentious and silly.
People see right through it and it makes them feel you’re insecure and overly concerned with having them like you.
People are averse to those who are desperate for attention.
Simply being friendly and considerate is all you need to win people over.
People are more attracted to the right attitude than who you know.
Emotional hijackings:
My company comes across too many instances of people throwing things, screaming, making people cry, and other tell-tale signs of an emotional hijacking.
This demonstrates low emotional intelligence.
As soon as you show that level of instability, people will question whether or not you’re trustworthy and capable of keeping it together when it counts.
Controlling your emotions keeps you in the driver’s seat.
When you’re able to control your emotions around someone who wrongs you, they end up looking bad instead of you.
Humble-bragging:
We all know those people who like to brag about themselves behind the mask of self-deprecation.
For example, the woman who makes fun of herself for being a nerd when she really wants to draw attention to the fact she’s smart.
Or the guy who makes fun of himself for having a strict diet when he really wants you to know how healthy and fit he is.
Everyone sees right through it.
This makes the bragging all the more frustrating, because it isn’t just bragging; it’s also an attempt to deceive.
Whipping out your phone:
Nothing turns someone off to you like a mid-conversation text message or even a quick glance at your phone.
When you commit to a conversation, focus all of your energy on it.
Having a closed mind:
If you want to be likeable, you must be open-minded, which makes you approachable and interesting to others.
No one wants to have a conversation with someone who has already formed an opinion and is unwilling to listen.
Having an open mind is crucial in the workplace, where approachability means access to new ideas and help.
To eliminate preconceived notions and judgment, you need to see the world through other people’s eyes.
This simply means you quit passing judgment long enough to truly understand what makes them tick.
Not asking enough questions:
The biggest mistake people make in conversation is being so focused on what they’re going to say next they fail to hear what’s being said.
A simple way to avoid this is to ask a lot of questions.
People like to know you’re listening, and something as simple as a clarification question shows you care about what they’re saying.
Being too serious:
It’s easy for passionate people to come across as too serious or uninterested because they tend to get absorbed in their work.
Likeable people balance their passion for their work with their ability to have fun.
They still get things done because they are socially effective in short amounts of time and they capitalise on valuable social moments.
They focus on having meaningful interactions with their co-workers, remembering what people said to them yesterday or last week.
Gossiping: Wallowing in talk of other people’s misdeeds or misfortunes may end up hurting their feelings if the gossip ever finds its way to them.
Gossiping is guaranteed to make you look negative and spiteful.
Sharing too much, too early:
Sharing too much about yourself right off the bat comes across wrong.
Be careful to avoid sharing personal problems and confessions too quickly.
Likeable people let the other person guide them as to when it’s the right time for them to open up.
Over-sharing comes across as self-obsessed and insensitive to the balance of the conversation.
Sharing too much on social media:
Studies have shown that people who over-share on social media do so because they crave acceptance.
The Pew Research Centre has revealed that this over-sharing works against them by making people dislike them.
Sharing on social media can be an important mode of expression, but it needs to be done thoughtfully and with some self-control.
Letting everyone know how many times you walked your dog today will do much more harm than good when it comes to likeability.
When you build your awareness of how your actions are received by other people, you pave the way to becoming more likeable.
*Travis Bradberry is the co-founder of TalentSmart, a provider of emotional intelligence tests, emotional intelligence training, and emotional intelligence certification. He can be contacted at TalentSmart.com.
This article first appeared on the TalentSmart website
