Roberta Matuson* has advice about how to engage in the kind of conversations most people would much rather avoid.
Can we talk? Who doesn’t cringe when they hear these three words? I mean really, who wants to have a discussion that’s going to be uncomfortable?
Most people handle awkward conversations by ignoring them — which generally makes the situation worse.
I almost fell into this same trap myself.
A neighbour, who agreed to share in the cost of a fence between our property line, was questioning previous shared expenses, even though we previously sent her all the invoices, which her mother (a co-owner of the house) had agreed to.
A text arrived in my inbox with yet another request for additional paperwork. I found my blood pressure rising, as I hammered out a stern reply.
Fortunately, before hitting send, I caught myself, and instead, hit the delete button. I then composed a text that was more in line with the advice I give my readers.
Here’s what I said.
“We’re next-door neighbours. Why don’t you stop by, and we can discuss any concerns you may have? Sound good?”
In my experience, and according to a number of research studies, avoidance of difficult conversations has grown into a full-blown epidemic.
Or if people do have them, they’re like me — quick to prove at all costs that the other person is down-right wrong, and they’re right.
Of course, the result is predictable — increased stress and often the problem gets worse and not better.
The fact that so many people are avoiding conversations is having a dramatic impact on the health and wellbeing of organisations and their employees.
A study released by leadership development and conversation expert, Fierce Inc., found that 53 per cent of employees were handling toxic situations by ignoring them.
By doing so, they are allowing toxic employees to continue to wreak havoc on the workplace.
A report published by CCP Human Capital found that employees spend 2.8 hours per week dealing with difficult situations.
As a result, employee engagement and organisational trust are declining, while workplace stress is rising.
We tend to put off doing things that we’re uncomfortable doing.
For example, I put off writing a book proposal for years, because the thought of doing so felt overwhelming.
It wasn’t until I made the decision to overcome my fears that I was able to get this done. When I did, I was able to move full steam ahead.
The first book proposal I ever wrote took three years to complete. Several years later, I completed another book proposal in three days.
The key to avoiding the avoidance syndrome is confidence.
When you feel confident about doing something, nothing will get in your way.
This is why I chose confidence as the first of seven principles for managing workplace conversations that I write about in my new book, Can We Talk?
Difficult tasks and conversations tend to go best when you approach the situation feeling self-assured. Here are a few ways to build self-confidence.
Begin your day with a positive mindset
No doubt you’re familiar with the term ‘mindset over matter’.
When you look in the mirror each morning, tell yourself something positive.
Here are several of my favourite affirmations to help you positively start your day. Feel free to use these or come up with your own.
I can do whatever I set my mind to.
What other people think of me doesn’t make me who I am.
I’m good enough.
I have so much value to offer others.
Make a note of your successes
At the end of each day, write down one or two successes you experienced that day.
Keep them in a journal or pin the list up on your bulletin board.
Don’t waste time worrying about whether something is worthy of being considered a success, you’re the judge and jury here.
Each morning, before you begin your workday, review your success list.
This list is an excellent reminder of how capable you are and will help you start your day off positively.
Be kind to yourself
Rarely will everything go according to plan, which is why you need to forget perfect.
Instead, when conversations don’t go as well as you hoped they would, take time to analyse what, if anything, did go well.
Ask yourself what you could have done differently to achieve a better result.
The more you practice doing something, the better you’ll get. Begin by taking on one difficult conversation that you’ve been putting off.
*Roberta Matuson is president of Matuson Consulting. She can be contacted at [email protected].
This article first appeared at matusonconsulting.com.
