Erin Strybis* says too often people ignore or dismiss belittling behaviour in the office, but if you think you are being bullied, you should take action.
Photo: Heather Schwartz
We all have memories of school bullies we’d like to leave behind.
But bullying doesn’t end after graduation — in fact, it’s common in the workplace.
The thing about workplace bullying, however, is that it’s not easy to spot, especially given our cultural norms.
For example, when I received a series of passive-aggressive emails that undercut me professionally and personally, I initially brushed them off because I was told the sender was “difficult.”
At the time, I didn’t recognise these messages were inappropriate — but now, I know I was dealing with a workplace bully.
Too often women ignore or dismiss belittling behaviour in the office.
As women, we are conditioned to be nice, to not make waves, to submit to authority.
The tide is turning, however.
With the rise of the #metoo movement and #timesup campaign, women across the world are speaking up about sexual harassment — and putting an end to it.
We can speak out to stop bullying, too.
That’s why I’m sharing my story.
The starting point
When I experienced workplace bullying, I was starting a new job — one that required me to work directly with this colleague.
Let’s call him D.
We weren’t in the same department, but D played a key role in the projects I managed.
He was 20 years my senior; I was in my twenties.
His work was often late, which made my work late, too.
This started to become a problem, so I started trying to hold D accountable for deadlines.
That’s when the bullying began.
Rather than own up to his tardiness, D belittled me via email.
Once, he said he’d told my office bestie that it was a “big mistake” I’d taken this job.
Other times, he’d find a way to twist a situation and blame me for his lateness.
Most of the time, he was just rude, dealing out backhanded compliments.
Communicating with him made me anxious.
My confidence plummeted.
I started thinking maybe what he told my friend was right.
Maybe I wasn’t cut out for this position.
The strangest thing of all?
This harassment only happened over email.
We rarely saw each other since we worked in different departments.
Blame it on socialisation or inexperience (or both), but I couldn’t say for sure what was going on.
I knew in my gut that something was wrong.
I dreaded our interactions.
I think I endured D’s bad behaviour for so long because I’d come to believe some of the hurtful, condescending comments he made.
He’d been actively intimidating me — and it had been working — but I was too naive to see it.
How I stood up to him
One day I got an email from D that really made me mad.
I was pretty certain what he said was out of bounds, so I went to my supervisor and told her everything.
Then I asked for help.
“You’re not going to like this answer,” she said.
“The only way to stop this is for you to confront him.”
“You’ve gotta call him out.”
Wait, what?
Surely I’d misheard her.
I figured she’d step in or send me to HR.
Instead, she wanted me to talk to him.
I told her I couldn’t confront him — it made me too uncomfortable.
“Next time D sends an email like that, forward it to me,” she said.
Inevitably, a few days later, the next email arrived.
I forwarded it, thinking my supervisor would finally step in.
Instead, she urged me to call him immediately and tell him to stop.
That was not the answer I was hoping for.
I sat at my desk, palms sweating, and thought through what I needed to say, how I would say it, and before I could back out, I picked up the phone and dialled D’s number.
When my coworker answered, he seemed startled.
“D, this has to stop,” I said.
“Your emails are disrespectful and unprofessional. You can’t speak to me that way.”
“OK,” he stammered.
“OK,” I said abruptly.
Then I hung up.
My hands were shaking, adrenaline pumping.
I felt stunned.
The person who spoke on the phone sounded strong, confident and calm — nothing like the disorganised, in-over-her-head woman D made me out to be.
I wasn’t sure what the outcome of our conversation would be, but I was sure of one thing: I’d summoned the courage to confront my bully and in doing so, I rediscovered my voice.
What happened next
The bullying stopped.
The emails became polite.
My working relationship with D improved.
Work became pleasant again, and I began to thrive.
I thanked my boss for pushing me to be courageous and to take a stand for myself.
The experience was a turning point in my career.
I became more assertive and engaged in meetings and conversations.
My confidence grew and I embraced my new role.
I wonder sometimes if this would have happened to me if I’d been a man.
Or if I wasn’t so young.
Or lacking in self-confidence.
I know that I’m not alone in this experience‚ and it’s not my fault I was targeted.
“Research has shown that emotions in the workplace are contagious and that negative emotions are some of the most dangerous,” said Brandon Smith, a workplace therapist.
“When bullying occurs in the workplace, people experience fear and heightened anxiety.”
This lowers employee morale and in extreme cases, it causes high-performing workers to change jobs.
If you think you are being bullied at work, I urge you to take action.
Start by talking with your supervisor or someone you can trust outside the office.
Document evidence of bullying for your records.
Identify what is hurtful to you and how you would like to move forward.
The next time a bullying incident occurs, confront your bully immediately.
If the bullying continues after that, it’s time to talk to HR.
My biggest takeaway from dealing with my office bully?
There is nothing more powerful than standing up for yourself and summoning your voice.
* Erin Strybis is an editorial contributor to Career Contessa. Her website is www.erinstry.com.
This article first appeared at www.careercontessa.com.
