Kathy Caprino* sets out three ways people can hone their communications skills in order to engage, inspire and connect powerfully with others.
Back in my corporate years, I engaged in many forms of communication.
It included delivering presentations, running meetings, developing proposals, sending updates and other business writing, giving my staff feedback, and more.
At the time, I thought I was a competent communicator.
Yet I often became embroiled in conflicts and disagreements that went badly and generated challenges for our projects.
Usually, I believed it was the other people who were in the wrong.
It wasn’t until I studied communication theory and power dynamics during my training as a marriage and family therapist that I realised how much of the success of our communication is driven by our own internal beliefs and intentions.
I learned that the more we can manage our emotions, ego and intentions, and gain greater awareness of exactly what we are trying to communicate, the stronger our relationships will be.
From my studies in psychotherapy and communication, I learned there are critical concepts that can help tremendously in forging stronger bonds.
Every word you communicate will either work to support your goals and engage effectively with the other, or do the opposite.
They can put a wedge between you that prevents understanding and connection.
Those with whom you are communicating will be much more inclined to let in what you’re saying if you speak from respect and compassion, rather than judgment, disdain and criticism.
To truly connect to the people you’re living, working or collaborating with, you need to “meet them where they are”.
It’s critical to know what you can about the individuals you’re speaking or connecting with before you communicate and to do your best to match their style, vocabulary and cadence so they can feel heard and validated.
Drawing on helpful communication principles, below are three key ways to hone your communication so that you can engage, inspire and connect powerfully with others.
Listen with a willingness to be changed by what you hear.
If we apply this principle to the conversations we’re having today — in the workplace, in our Zoom meetings and social gatherings or during our family dinners — we’ll see clearly that most of us are not really listening at all.
We are simply (and impatiently) waiting for the other person to stop speaking so we can put forth our own views.
Most of our ideas are impervious to any type of change or fluidness. They’re set in stone based on our biases and values.
I’m certainly guilty of this as well, but I’ve learned to stop myself in my tracks when I sense that I’m simply pretending to listen.
This happened recently in a conversation I was having with a friend who holds very different political views.
As I found myself getting upset at his views, I stopped and asked myself: “What is my intention here?
“Am I open to being impacted by what he’s saying? Am I listening with the intent to learn and connect, or to pontificate and inform?”
Once I opened myself to listening with the willingness to be changed, the conversation took a very different, more positive turn.
That doesn’t mean a simple conversation will change your hard-held beliefs, but it does mean you are open to feeling more empathy and compassion toward the person.
Before you speak forcefully about something, frame it with a value statement.
Recently, researchers conducted an experiment to see if using a brief, framing statement could reduce social and emotional backlash.
The aim was for speakers to explain their intent before sharing their content and demonstrate that they had not lost control of their temper or emotions.
This experiment showed that these brief statements could indeed reduce the backlash by as much as 27 per cent, enabling both women and men to more consciously speak their minds to minimise backlash in the workplace.
The takeaway here is that if you want to be heard and build a strong connection with your listeners, consider offering a value framing statement that offers a core value.
This can be honesty, integrity, clarity, transparency, respect, etc. to frame your words.
It allows you to be heard in a way that will make a more positive impact.
Meet the listener where they are and speak from an understanding of their needs and mindset.
In my work as a career and leadership coach, I’ve seen that in order to forge a bond of respect and trust, my clients, colleagues and team members need to feel I understand and respect them.
If I come from a place of judging or distancing myself, I’ll lose the connection.
If I demonstrate that I ‘get them’ at a fundamental level and can appreciate their frame of reference, the bond between us grows.
If I fail to achieve that sense of trust, the entire relationship falters.
In building stronger relationships, we need to remember that all humans have the same deep, primal need to be heard, understood and validated.
The more we can satisfy that need in communication, the stronger our relationships will become.
*Kathy Caprino runs a leadership and career success coaching and consulting firm dedicated to the advancement of women. She can be contacted at kathycaprino.com.
This article first appeared at forbes.com.
