Gustavo Razzetti* says an overemphasis on ‘thinking positively’ ignores the reality that we all have positive and negative thoughts and moments.
Photo: Amanda Jones
What we think, we become.
Reality is not neutral.
We are always passing judgement on what happens around us.
Our thoughts shape our reality, not the other way around.
That’s why most people suggest we think positively ; it has become an oversimplified approach to make us feel better.
“Be positive” can be terrible advice.
Telling someone who’s sad or depressed that positive thoughts will change their mental state can be detrimental.
Similarly, being overly optimistic can blind our reality.
Positive thinking is not what you think.
We must embrace our whole self, not just the bright side.
Our society loves black or white assessments — you are either an optimist or a pessimist.
Labels are a heavy burden — we get stuck in one place, rather than exploring our possibilities.
We all have positive and negative thoughts or positive and negative moments.
Pretending to be always happy is harmful.
Labelling oneself as a negative person doesn’t help either.
Research shows that optimists perceive less stress either because they are better able to cope with adversity or because of their positive view.
Curiously, a strong belief in hope can make optimists think they can achieve anything they want to, just by trying hard.
This perfectionist view can lead to unrealistic expectations — positive thinking can’t make everything come true.
We are not our thoughts, because they are always changing.
Bad thoughts are harmful — they create more suffering — however, avoiding our negative emotions won’t make them go away.
The problem with optimism
There’s nothing wrong with negative emotions.
We all have them.
They are a fundamental part of who we are.
You are not either positive or negative.
“In America, optimism has become almost like a cult,” social psychologist Aaron Sackett told Psychology Today.
Or, as another American psychologist added, “In this country, pessimism comes with a deep stigma.”
Optimism has become a pervasive dogma.
Pessimism gets a bad rap, but positive thinking can be brutally enforced.
“It’s gotten to the point where people really feel pressure to think and talk in an optimistic way,” says B. Cade Massey, a professor of organisational behaviour.
Many of us have drunk the “positivity Kool-Aid”.
We believe optimism is the solution for all our problems.
I’m not advocating in favour or against optimism, but to break free from labelling ourselves.
A positive approach to life requires embracing both sides rather than living in an exaggerated — positive or negative — fantasy.
Happiness is a state of mind, not something we acquire.
We spend more time contemplating what’s missing in our lives rather than what we have.
That’s why we suffer.
Connecting to your emotions allows you to respond without reacting — you don’t let judgements or preconceptions shape your behaviour.
Instead, you decide to explore and understand your emotions — you feed compassion and wisdom, not anger.
Your thoughts define your reality.
The problem with idealising positive thinking is trying to hide the negativity within us.
Bringing a positive spin to what happens is not enough.
You must confront and accept all your emotions.
Change your reality with positive thinking
The way we experience something is determined by what we think about it.
Positive thinking is helpful, but it only works if you accept your entire reality, not just the bright side.
Say a car cuts you off when you are driving on a highway.
The driver was probably in a hurry and didn’t notice you.
It could have caused an accident.
How would you react?
It’s normal to get upset or feel attacked — your own self-concern arises, and you want to fight back.
Instead, you could try to take some emotional distance and avoid reacting.
Imagine you are the driver who cut someone else off.
Would you like the person to get mad at you or to be patient and forgiving?
By putting ourselves in someone else’s shoes, we avoid being taken by negativity.
Empathy provides room for understanding reality rather than reacting to it.
Albert Ellis, the father of Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy, discovered that how we react to an event is determined mainly by our view of the incident, not what happened.
He said, “Too many people are unaware that it is not outer events or circumstances that will create happiness; rather, it is our perception of events and of ourselves that will create, or uncreate, positive emotions.”
Blaming never helps; it just feeds negativity.
Let your destiny define your thoughts
According to Vietnamese monk and peace activist Thich Nhat Hanh, many of us have the wrong idea about what happiness is.
We think we need to be positive all the time, but happiness is about being present.
We need to appreciate the here and now.
Your life purpose should define your thoughts, not the other way around.
The most meaningful purpose of life is to be helpful, not happy.
People who are generous, who genuinely try to help others, are more likely to succeed.
Having a positive approach to life doesn’t mean being overly optimistic.
Our purpose is “to do the best we can, given a set of circumstances and our current dispositions,” as Isabelle Payette wrote.
Our life will always have both positive and negative experiences.
We can choose to add more negativity and create more suffering.
Or we can accept life as is.
Positive thinking is not magical thinking; accepting our whole self makes us more self-reliant.
Embracing your negative side will help you become more patient and tolerant.
It makes it easier to see the good within you and others.
Watch your thoughts because they become your destiny.
Better indeed to watch your destiny, and your thoughts will help you get there.
* Gustavo Rassetti is a change instigator, author and consultant on team building and cultural transformation.
This article first appeared at medium.com.
