Travis Bradberry* says emotional manipulators can be destructive to both you and your personal and professional relationships, but they are easy enough to spot if you know the signs.
We all know what it feels like to be emotionally manipulated.
It can be extremely effective, which is why some unscrupulous individuals do it so much.
It’s precisely because emotional manipulation can be so destructive that it’s important for you to recognise it in your own life.
It’s not as easy as you might think, because emotional manipulators are typically very skilful.
They start out with subtle manipulation and raise the stakes over time, so slowly that you don’t even realise it’s happening.
Fortunately, emotional manipulators are easy enough to spot if you know what to look for.
They undermine your faith in your grasp of reality:
Emotional manipulators are incredibly skilled liars.
They insist an incident didn’t happen when it did, and they insist they did or said something when they didn’t.
You end up questioning your own sanity.
To insist that whatever caused the problem is a figment of your imagination is an extremely powerful way of getting out of trouble.
Their actions don’t match their words:
Emotional manipulators will tell you what you want to hear, but their actions are another story.
They pledge their support, but when it comes time to follow through they act as though your requests are entirely unreasonable.
This is just another way of undermining your belief in your own sanity.
They make you question reality as you see it and mould your perception according to what is convenient to them.
They are experts at doling out guilt:
Emotional manipulators are masters at leveraging your guilt to their advantage.
If you bring up something that’s bothering you, they make you feel guilty for mentioning it.
If you don’t, they make you feel guilty for keeping it to yourself and stewing on it.
Whatever you do is wrong and, no matter what problems the two of you are having, they’re your fault.
They claim the role of the victim:
Nothing is ever their fault.
Someone else made them do it — and, usually, it’s you.
If you get mad or upset, it’s your fault for having unreasonable expectations.
If they get mad, it’s your fault for upsetting them.
Emotional manipulators don’t take accountability for anything.
They are too much, too soon:
Whether it’s a personal relationship or a business relationship, emotional manipulators always seem to skip a few steps.
They share too much too soon — and expect the same from you.
They portray vulnerability and sensitivity, but it’s a ruse.
The charade is intended to make you feel special for being let into their inner circle, but it’s also intended to make you feel responsible for their feelings.
They are an emotional black hole:
Whatever emotional manipulators are feeling, they’re geniuses at sucking everyone around them into those emotions.
If they’re in a bad mood, everyone around them knows it.
Not only is everyone aware of their mood, they feel it too.
This creates a tendency for people to feel responsible for the manipulator’s moods and obliged to fix them.
They eagerly agree to help then act like a martyr:
An initial eagerness to help swiftly morphs into sighs, groans, and suggestions that whatever they agreed to do is a huge burden.
If you shine a spotlight on that reluctance, they’ll turn it around on you, assuring you that of course they want to help and that you’re just being paranoid.
The goal is to make you feel guilty, indebted, and maybe even crazy.
They always one-up you:
No matter what problems you may have, emotional manipulators have it worse.
They undermine the legitimacy of your complaints by reminding you that their problems are more serious.
They know all your buttons and don’t hesitate to push them:
Emotional manipulators know your weak spots, and they’re quick to use that knowledge against you.
If you’re insecure about your weight, they comment on what you eat or the way your clothes fit.
If you’re worried about an upcoming presentation, they point out how intimidating and judgmental the attendees are.
Make no mistake about it, their behaviour truly goes against reason, so why do you allow yourself to respond to them emotionally and get sucked into the mix?
The more irrational and off-base someone is, the easier it should be for you to remove yourself from their traps.
Quit trying to beat them at their own game.
Distance yourself from them emotionally, and approach your interactions with them like they’re a science project (or you’re their shrink if you prefer that analogy).
You don’t need to respond to the emotional chaos — only the facts.
Emotional manipulators can undermine your sense of who you are and even make you doubt your own sanity.
Remember: Nobody can manipulate you without your consent and cooperation.
*Travis Bradberry is the co-founder of TalentSmart, a provider of emotional intelligence tests, emotional intelligence training, and emotional intelligence certification. He can be contacted at TalentSmart.com.
This article first appeared on the TalentSmart website
