Diane Barth *says that women with children ought to expect some workplace flexibility — but not at the expense of co-workers.
Not too long ago, my friend Anna asked me to go out for a glass of wine and some ‘friend therapy’.
She said she needed to let off some steam about a senior colleague who had started slipping out of work early almost every day.
Anna knew the colleague had a second job, but Anna didn’t feel comfortable blowing her cover.
“I know she needs the money — she’s a single mum with young kids,” she told me.
However, several times she had to cover for the other woman.
“She never thanks me or acknowledges that I’m staying late to do her work.”
When she finally said something about it, her colleague shrugged.
“Well, when you have children, other people expect to pick up the slack from time to time.”
Anna was stunned. “I have children, too,” she said.
“Our employer is very good about flexibility to deal with childcare and school and all that stuff.
“I don’t expect other people to do my work.”
What makes some people feel certain that they are entitled to more than others?
What can you do about it when someone else’s sense of entitlement starts to impinge on you at work?
Entitlement, according to psychologist, Jane Adams, “is an enduring personality trait, characterised by the belief that one deserves preferences and resources that others do not.”
It is actually a normal, healthy part of a child’s development to feel special.
It is also an important developmental step to realise and understand that we are not alone in our desire to be recognised as having more value than everyone else.
The little kid who excitedly waves a hand while shouting: “I know, I know, call on me” to a teacher’s question might be cute, albeit irritating.
The adult who operates on the same premise of deserving to be singled out above everyone else is neither cute nor easy to work with.
Someone who feels entitled all of the time may not feel motivated to do the work involved in coming up with a creative solution or even to finish a job.
Surprisingly, however, research has also shown that entitlement can sometimes have a positive impact.
Researchers have found that in small doses, a sense of entitlement can enhance creative problem-solving skills.
So what can you do to cope with an entitled co-worker?
Try to understand what is motivating him or her.
Is this person self-centred or simply immature?
Does he or she suffer from an underlying need to feel special?
Recognising the cause of entitlement can help you find a way to work with your co-worker.
For instance, it might help to give him or her credit for something they have genuinely done well, or to acknowledge the unfairness of a situation.
Check out your own reaction.
Are you jealous of this person’s self-confidence or accomplishments?
Jealousy and competitive feelings are normal, so don’t beat yourself up for having them.
Try to use them constructively.
Use these feelings to motivate yourself.
Set boundaries if someone is repeatedly encroaching on your time or space.
A little humour can go a long way, if you can be funny without being mean.
If that’s not a possibility, a quiet word might be better.
Consider the environment at your job.
Poor performance management can increase entitlement practices in the workplace.
Do your bosses promote a true feeling of respect and support, or is there a sense that you have to make noise to be heard or seen by them?
One study found that entitled behaviour can be decreased when admired leaders model a more respectful stance towards others.
Accept when an entitled person just isn’t going to change.
If that’s the case, look for backup and support for your own accomplishments.
You will feel less distressed by someone else’s entitled behaviour if you know that your own contribution and value has been recognised.
Anna, for instance, turned to me because I wasn’t part of her workplace.
After letting off steam and getting some positive reinforcement from me, Anna decided to speak to the other woman.
She told her that she needed to find another solution for coverage in her absence, because she and the other staff also had to get home to her own children.
*Diane Barth is the author of I Know How You Feel: The Joy and Heartbreak of Friendship in Women’s Lives.
This article first appeared at qz.com.
