Failing to speak up when people see something that is intolerable, robs a person of their authenticity. Kathy Caprino* outlines three steps to ensure people can remain true to themselves.
On LinkedIn some time ago, I asked my community to share the one topic they’d most like to explore when it comes to learning how to ‘find brave’ in their lives.
By ‘finding brave’ I am referring to learning how to rise up, speak up and stand up for our lives, and honouring more openly our core values, beliefs and feelings.
A large number shared something like this: “I’d like to learn how to be more authentic.”
This is still a key question I hear regularly in my courses and coaching.
In fact, it’s becoming a more severe problem, in part because of the proliferation of social media.
Thousands of individuals around the world are afraid to share what they believe and who they are because they’re witnessing a dramatic increase in hate, violence and conflict.
This longing for authenticity, especially at work, doesn’t surprise me.
During my 18 years in corporate life, while I was ‘successful’ on the outside, inside I struggled a great deal with not being able to be open about what I believed and felt.
I saw things around me that were intolerable and downright horrible, but I couldn’t find the way to powerfully stand up or speak out about it.
I did try to address these issues but got shot down, so I began to hide.
I experienced destructive bosses, inept leaders and backstabbing colleagues who didn’t know how to lead people or projects, or even their own personal lives.
Turns out, I wasn’t alone. Thousands of professional women and men have shared with me over the past 16 years that they simply can’t find a way to be authentic in their work.
They feel that if they did they’d alienate or infuriate the very people they need approval and acceptance from.
In short, many people are deathly afraid of authenticity and what it might bring.
Being ‘authentic’ (which I define as being able to be your true self, with honesty, openness and transparency) is the key to a satisfying and meaningful life.
There are three simple steps that can start you on the path to greater authenticity.
Determine exactly where you can’t be real.
Take an hour to sit by yourself, distraction-free and quiet, and conduct a deep assessment of exactly where in your life and work you feel you can’t be honest, real and open.
Have a piece of paper in front of you, and write down:
Where do you feel you need to be fake?
Do you feel you have to be false and not share your real truth, in your life and career.
In what situations are you freer to be yourself.
Why are you fake?
What do you get out of engaging in this behaviour?
How does that fakeness protect you, and from what.
What will happen if you become more authentic?
What do you believe will happen if you stop being inauthentic, and start revealing more of the honest truth of who you are, deep down.
How old is your longing to be more authentic, and when did it start.
Ask yourself this question: During your childhood, who (which parent or guardian or other authority figure) did you crave love, acceptance and validation most from, and who did you have to be to get it.
When I first answered that question for myself, I was totally stunned.
I suddenly realised that I felt I had to be brilliant for my father, and obedient for my mother, to get the love and acceptance I craved.
I recognised in that moment that I was still trying to be those things in my adulthood, 40 years later — and it still wasn’t working.
If you feel you have to obey people at every turn or attempt to prove your intelligence to be accepted and appreciated, your body and mind are going to suffer.
Trying desperately to be someone you’re not simply to win approval cannot work over the long arch of your life.
‘Find brave’ and make the decision.
Finally, make that bold, powerful decision — and choice — to be real, your true self in the future.
Start honouring the authentic, true you and sharing that more openly with the world.
Start in small, doable ways that won’t wreak havoc on your system, but will be sustainable over time.
To begin, identify the one most critical conversation you’ve been wanting to have but haven’t found the courage.
Figure out exactly what you want to say and get some outside help from a friend, mentor or coach to explore with you the most important messages you want to share.
Once you know that, find a safe way to say it out loud to the person, but with compassion in your heart.
State the truth as you see it, without recrimination or blame. It’s that simple, once you make the choice.
Recognise there may be some consequences for your standing up for your truth, so have some great help in your corner if you need it.
See yourself in a more powerful way and speak more bravely. Don’t apologise for what you feel or think — state it straight out.
Remember that becoming more authentic is the fastest way to discover the truth about who you are and what you believe and value.
There is tremendous power and joy in honouring that truth.
*Kathy Caprino runs a leadership and career success coaching and consulting firm dedicated to the advancement of women. A trained therapist and coach, she has worked with more than 10,000 emerging women leaders. She can be contacted at kathycaprino.com.
This article first appeared at forbes.com.
