May Busch learnt the hard way of her need to reach out and seek help when the job becomes too much — she passes on the lessons she absorbed.
Do you find it hard to ask for help?
I know I do, partly because I don’t want to impose on anyone else.
Partly because of pride: I like being independent, and asking for help feels like an admission that I’m not capable, or that I’m conceding defeat.
Needing to ask for help often feels embarrassing and, at times, even humiliating.
While it’s good to have a sense of independence and to challenge yourself to find your own solutions, you can definitely take that too far.
The key is to know when it’s time to ask for help.
For each of us, there are times when it’s easier to ask for help and more obvious we need it.
In my case, I have no trouble asking for directions.
I have a terrible sense of direction and have even become lost in office buildings trying to find the elevator.
Because I get lost so often and I’m usually in a hurry, I’ve moved past the embarrassment and into a mode of practicality.
As a result, I can ask without hesitation or embarrassment.
However, most of the time, my instinct is to be resourceful and try to figure it out for myself.
The reality is that not asking for help has hurt my career and wellbeing.
There are two instances that stand out as times that I should have asked for help but didn’t.
Each time, it turned out badly.
The first was early on in my career when I was asked to go through eight sets of legal documents, summarise the bond covenant section of each and put the answers into a spreadsheet.
I had to meet the client at 2pm.
It was only 10am; surely I could figure this out in four hours, even though I had never read through bond covenant documents before.
I lugged the documents back to my desk where I waded through the sea of legalese filled with clauses and terms like ‘notwithstanding, ‘hereunder’ and ‘hereinafter’.
By lunchtime, I had completed only one out of the eight.
Instead of going back and asking for help, or better yet asking to swap projects with someone else given the deadline, I persisted.
By 1:50pm, I had completed two of the summaries.
Fortunately, I wasn’t fired, but I was never again asked to work with this team.
Worst of all, this experience dented my confidence and the negative mindset effects of it stuck with me for years.
The second instance was during the year I moved to London to start a new business for the firm.
I was under significant pressure to produce results.
Without a team already formed, I defaulted to my usual tendency, which is to do everything myself.
I covered three out of the six European countries myself while building a new team and leading the strategic vision internally.
I can’t count the number of times I redoubled my efforts and shouldered the burdens for the team.
In the process, I managed to alienate several of my stakeholders and almost burn myself out.
I should have and could have asked for help a lot earlier.
What I’ve learned about myself is that there are three signs that are triggers for me to get help.
When I’m feeling anxious or worried to the extent that I can’t focus and get things done.
When I’ve tried to do it myself but am stuck in a loop without making forward progress.
When I have no idea how to do something
For each of us, the triggers may be different.
The important thing is to get in touch with what yours are so you’ll know when you need to ask for help.
You may even be able to pinpoint the exact language that you use in your head when you’re in this state.
For me it often sounds like: “Am I working on the right thing?”
For a colleague of mine, it’s: “I feel like I’m not doing enough.”
When it comes to actually asking for help, the way you frame it makes a difference.
When you think of it as ‘imposing on someone’ or ‘humiliation’ or ‘conceding defeat’, of course you’re less likely to resort to it.
Instead, think of it as ‘leveraging your resources’ or ‘inviting in new points of view’ or ‘getting results quicker’.
The flip side is that sometimes you’ll be the one in a position to help someone else who’s feeling anxious, unsure or frustrated.
Look out for signs, recognising that we all display them differently.
Some people get quiet and withdraw; others become emotional or angry.
Sometimes, people try to please and say: “No problem, I’ve got this“— just like me with the bond covenants.
When you see those signs, offer to help in case they happen to struggle with asking for it themselves.
We all need help at times.
Even though you or I may feel alone or ashamed, we are not alone.
Go and reach out to get the help you need, and when the tables are turned, make yourself available to help someone else.
*May Busch helps leaders and their organisations achieve their full potential. She can be contacted at [email protected].
This article first appeared on May’s blogsite
