Kathy Caprino says that in the midst of intolerable situations when nothing else seems to work, there are three critical questions you should ask yourself.
Throughout my life, I’ve experienced times when things were truly falling apart (or so it seemed).
Nothing I did improved it or turned it around.
One of those times was at the end of my corporate life 17 years ago.
I had a serious infection of my trachea, depressed and exhausted, dealing with narcissistic bosses and toxic leaders, as well as sexual harassment and discrimination.
Nothing I tried improved the situation; it all just got worse.
I know why that is now, but back then, I didn’t have a clue.
Another time in my life when I felt helpless in shifting my situation was when I became a marriage and family therapist.
I began working with clients who were dealing with some of the darkest experiences in human life — rape, incest, paedophilia, suicidality, substance abuse, attempted murder and more.
I was so new at being a therapist that I was regularly at a loss as to how best to help my clients.
Deep down I began to realise that this was not work I wanted to be focused on for the rest of my career.
Unfortunately, I was just not brave enough at that point to admit to myself that this wasn’t right for me.
The idea I’d made another mistake in my career after having spent so much time and money earning my master’s degree was just too scary to face.
Then I did and was able to revise my life once again.
Over the past 13 years as career and leadership coach for professionals around the globe, I’ve seen that there are powerful beginning steps we all can engage so we can turn our negative situations around.
I’ve found that asking yourself three critical questions can open the doorway to shifting things when nothing else works.
What is the repeating pattern here that needs to change?
If you dig deep enough, you’ll most likely find that what you’re experiencing today is a reflection of a pattern that has been repeated over and over in your life.
Whether you’re not earning enough, or you’re being mistreated by a horrific, narcissistic boss, or you’re exhausting yourself trying to do everything.
You’ll probably see that this experience today is something that’s followed you through your adult life, and even earlier.
We can’t better our situations or improve our lives if we don’t know ourselves deeply, and don’t understand how we were shaped and formed in our early years.
Take some time to write down everything you can think about that has shaped who you’ve become, and also the critical messages and treatment you received in childhood.
Think on the one most pivotal event of your life, and how it impacted the direction you took.
Then figure out which of these messages and experiences are potentially harming you now that you’re ready to release.
How am I not valuing and appreciating myself?
When we’re experiencing negative situations and relationships that are all about being disrespected, devalued, or treated unfairly, it often stems from a lack of valuing yourself.
A belief that you’re not worthy, valuable or capable in life wreaks havoc on everything you do and touch.
If you realise that you don’t have a positive self-concept and don’t believe in yourself or your worth, it’s time to change that.
We can sometimes do that by self-help means, but I’ve found that the best approach is getting outside help, for instance a great, experienced therapist who can support and guide you.
What state are my boundaries in?
Boundaries are the invisible barriers between you and your outside systems.
They regulate the flow and input of information to and from you and those outside systems including your family, your workplace, your bosses, friends, etc.
Having well-developed, healthy boundaries is a critical dimension of a successful, happy life and career.
Boundaries ensure that you’re protected from behaviour and actions that will hurt or disrespect you.
Without healthy boundaries, you can’t recognise your limits, or enforce them with strength and authority.
Those who have insufficient boundaries, I’ve found, have almost always experienced some form of emotional manipulation or trauma in their childhoods.
Hundreds of my clients and course members over the years who have come for help with their careers have ineffective boundaries and allow mistreatment in their lives.
Unless we recognise this later in life, and do the necessary work to strengthen our boundaries, we will experience ongoing mistreatment and negative behaviour from others.
There are some critical steps to take to strengthen your boundaries, but the very first is to ask yourself: “What do I desperately long for?”
Define it as clearly as you can, and figure out what elements of life you need more of.
Examine where you feel thwarted, angry, resentful, drained, and undervalued in your life.
Most likely your boundaries need bolstering in these situations.
Is your boss demanding that you’re available 24/7?
Is your spouse ignoring your requests for help and for sharing equally the work at home?
Is your friend selfish and critical, unable to treat you in a caring way?
Start setting clear and unwavering limits that allow you to say: “No more!” — both out loud and to yourself.
Answering the questions above will start you on your way to recognising what’s blocking your path to dramatically improving your career and your life.
*Kathy Caprino runs a leadership, coaching and consulting firm for women. A therapist and coach, she has worked with more than 10,000 emerging women leaders. She can be contacted at kathycaprino.com.
This article first appeared on Kathy’s blogsite
