Travis Bradberry* lists some bad habits that can stop us from having a happy and rewarding life — and what to do about them.
It’s no secret that we’re obsessed with happiness — but happiness can be fleeting.
How can we find it and keep it alive?
Psychologists at the University of California have discovered some fascinating things about happiness that could change your life.
Sonja Lyubomirsky is a psychology professor who is known among her peers as the Queen of Happiness.
She began studying happiness as a graduate student and never stopped, devoting her career to the subject.
One of her main discoveries is that we all have a happiness ‘set point’ which we move from when extremely positive or negative events happen, such as buying a house or losing a job.
They temporarily increase or decrease our happiness, but we eventually drift back to our set point.
The breakthrough in Dr Lyubomirsky’s research is that you can make yourself happier — permanently.
She and others have found that our genetic set point is responsible for only about 50 per cent of our happiness; life circumstances affect about 10 per cent.
However, a whopping 40 per cent is up to us, determined by our habits, attitude, and outlook on life.
Permanently adopting new habits — especially those that involve intangibles, such as how you see the world — is hard, but breaking the habits that make you unhappy is easier.
Eradicating these bad habits can move your happiness set point in short order.
Immunity to awe
Amazing things happen around you every day if you only know where to look.
Technology has exposed us to so much, and made the world so much smaller, yet there’s a downside that isn’t spoken of much.
Exposure raises the bar on what it takes to be awestricken, and that’s a shame.
True awe is humbling. It reminds us that we’re not the centre of the universe.
It’s hard to be happy when you just shrug your shoulders every time you see something new.
Isolating yourself
This is a pretty common response to feeling unhappy, but there’s a large body of research that says it’s the worst thing you can do.
Socialising, even when you don’t enjoy it, is great for your mood.
Recognise that when unhappiness is making you antisocial, you need to force yourself to get out there and mingle. You’ll notice the difference.
Blaming
We need to feel in control of our lives in order to be happy, which is why blaming is so incompatible with happiness.
When you blame other people or circumstances for the bad things that happen to you, you’ve decided that you have no control over your life.
Controlling
It’s hard to be happy without feeling in control of your life, but you can take this too far in the other direction.
When you feel that nagging desire to dictate other people’s behaviour, this will inevitably blow up in your face and make you unhappy.
Complaining
This is a self-reinforcing behaviour. By constantly talking — and therefore thinking — about how bad things are, you reaffirm your negative beliefs.
While talking about what bothers you can help you feel better, there’s a fine line between complaining being therapeutic and it fuelling unhappiness.
Impressing
People will like your clothes, your car, and your fancy job, but that doesn’t mean they like you.
Trying to impress other people is a source of unhappiness because it doesn’t get to the source of what makes you happy — finding people who like you and accept you for who you are.
Negativity
Life won’t always go the way you want it to, but when it comes down to it, you have the same 24 hours in the day as everyone else.
Happy people make their time count. Instead of complaining about how things could have been or should have been, they reflect on everything they have to be grateful for.
Then they find the best solution available to the problem, tackle it, and move on.
Neglecting to set goals
Having goals gives you hope and the ability to look forward to a better future.
Working towards those goals makes you feel good about yourself and your abilities.
It’s important to set goals that are challenging, specific (and measurable), and driven by your personal values.
Without goals, instead of learning and improving yourself, you just plod along wondering why things never change.
Giving in to fear
Fear is nothing more than a lingering emotion that’s fuelled by your imagination.
Danger is real. It’s the uncomfortable rush of adrenaline you get when you almost step in front of a bus.
Fear is a choice and happy people know this better than anyone does, so they flip fear on its head.
They are addicted to the euphoric feeling they get from conquering their fears.
Leaving the present
Like fear, the past and the future are products of your mind.
No amount of guilt can change the past, and no amount of anxiety can change the future.
Happy people know this, so they focus on living in the present.
It’s impossible to reach your full potential if you’re constantly somewhere else, unable to fully embrace the reality (good or bad) of the very moment.
If you don’t make peace with your past, it will never leave you and it will create your future.
You must always accept the uncertainty of the future, and don’t place unnecessary expectations upon yourself. Worry has no place in the here and now.
As Mark Twain once said: “Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe.”
*Travis Bradberry is the award-winning co-author of the bestselling book, Emotional Intelligence 2.0, and the co-founder of TalentSmart. He can be contacted at talentsmart.com.
This article first appeared at talentsmart.com
