Ashley Stahl* has advice for those whose lack of confidence constantly keeps them from seeking the job or promotion they’re suited for.
“I don’t think I’m qualified to apply for these jobs.” I was on a coaching call with a client, Sarah, recently when she began to reveal this thought process.
“They are asking for 10 or more years of experience, and I only have seven. Plus I don’t have a degree from a top university and…”
This was an “ah-ha” coaching moment for me when she revealed how unworthy she truly felt.
I interrupted her with a question I hope you ask yourself:
“Why are you fighting for your limitation?”
She was committed to her smallness and didn’t realise it.
Sarah is one of many women who won’t apply for a job unless they have 100 per cent of the criteria checked off the list.
According to research, this phenomenon is happening more with women than it is with men.
A study by Cornell University discovered that men overestimated both their abilities and performance while women underestimate themselves in both areas.
As unfortunate as it was to hear this incredibly talented person admit her fears, I knew what she needed: Confidence.
Here are three ways you can build confidence in yourself.
Create a vision of your future
In order to build confidence, you have to be willing to walk away from the habits and thought patterns that aren’t working.
Many of my clients have experienced low confidence, but that usually stems from not knowing what they want.
When you are clear on what you want to accomplish, your tasks will be executed with more confidence.
Planning makes a difference, though it’s how you make the plan that matters even more.
According to a study in Psychological Science, people who walk a few steps backwards in the process were far more focused and attentive in their actions.
Begin to work backwards from the end goal to break it down into smaller digestible steps.
Use your imagination to visualise ideal future results as if they already happened, both the end goal and all the steps you laid out to get there, will feel more real.
This includes both your internal goals (feelings of confidence, health, and reduced anxiety) and your external goals (career roles, relationships, financial outlook etc.).
Create boundaries for yourself
Part of creating a vision for your future should include outlining what you are and are not okay with.
From here, you can begin to understand what your boundaries are and where you may have allowed them to be overstepped in the past.
This could be anything from setting boundaries around your work roles and responsibilities, someone speaking to you in a specific tone of voice, or someone always eating your lunch out of the fridge.
Tune into how you feel when someone makes a request or you think a boundary may be being violated.
If it feels like you are building resentment from the ask, or as though you are being taken advantage of, step back and reconsider the situation.
Be clear and give yourself permission to ask for what you want.
Learn how to say no, and stick with it.
For the people pleasers of the world, this might feel impossible. It’s key to examine the root of the fear that keeps you in a state of pleasing others.
What are you buying into about your life if you draw a boundary?
Is it a fear that people won’t love you, that they’ll leave you, or that you’re burdensome?
This isn’t just in work; this is in all aspects of life.
Begin to act the part
Every time I walk into a coffee shop or office building I see folks hunched over their laptops while giving a presentation.
In order to be confident, the way you present yourself must change.
Stand with open body language as often as possible. Keep your arms open, legs uncrossed and head up.
Cell-phone posture is a real thing, and studies found prolonged usage negatively impacts posture and even your respiratory functioning.
This means you don’t look confident, nor do you get adequate oxygen into your body.
Before you head into work, consider sitting in your car with your legs spread wide and arms resting across the headrests.
Take some large breaths in and recite a positive mantra.
Do you think you’re too busy to find those minutes? Join the club, but mindfulness will create better results in your day.
Building confidence is no overnight task, but if you begin with these three steps, you’re making a strong start.
If you’d like to go deeper, consider seeking mentorship from someone you look up to, or even a coach like me.
Coaches are powerful when it’s time to break free of those limiting beliefs that keep you small. You deserve so much better.
So did Sarah. She was committed to this process, and six months later she mustered the confidence to apply for some of the jobs she previously thought were totally out of reach.
Guess what? She landed three job offers to choose from.
*Ashley Stahl is a career coach, keynote speaker, podcast host (You Turn Podcast) and author. In a previous life she was award-winning counter-terrorism professional. She can be contacted at ashleystahl.com.
This article first appeared at forbes.com.
