Author Ariane Beeston is candid in her story about the impossible pressures placed on new mothers and how quickly things can go wrong. Photo: Supplied.
What compelled Ariane Beeston to write her memoir Because I’m Not Myself, You See was the result of one of the most vulnerable times in her life. When she felt desperately alone, sitting in the mother and baby psychiatric ward, nine months postpartum – stunned and exhausted.
It’s the story of the impossible pressures placed on new mothers and how quickly things can go wrong during ”the happiest time of your life”. After Beeston, a child protection caseworker and newly registered psychologist, gives birth to her first child, she quickly begins to experience scary breaks from reality.
“When I went looking for something to read about motherhood and severe mental illness (the kind that puts you in a psych ward), I couldn’t find anything,” Beeston said. “I also couldn’t find much about what it was like to be a mental health professional with a mental illness.”
During a group therapy session one morning while on the ward, she found herself thinking: “I’m going to write about this one day, because no one told me about any of this.”
It took her several years to feel emotionally robust enough to start writing and reliving that time of her life. So, she wrote the book she needed to read when she was unwell. Beeston uses her own story to talk about perinatal mental health in Australia more broadly, exploring the gaps that existed then and now.
Because I’m Not Myself, You See is a forthright, often witty memoir of motherhood and madness, intertwined with knowledgeable commentary and beneficial research. It also takes an honest look at life on the other side of serious illness, trying to make sense of what doesn’t make sense, and finding humour, beauty and joy when things don’t go according to plan.
With medication, the support of her husband, psychotherapy and, ultimately, time, Beeston rebuilds herself. She also begins a new chapter working in perinatal mental health, developing resources to support other new mothers.
“Going back over such painful memories (again and again and again) has been harrowing at times”, but Beeston is grateful for the patience, bravery and comicality of those people near and dear to her. Documented in Because I’m Not Myself, You See is her experience of, and recovery from, postpartum psychosis.
Sharing intimate details from this period of her illness reveals her generous nature. There’s a prevailing belief that writing is, or should be, a cathartic experience, but Beeston doesn’t think that’s always the case.
“I certainly found it incredibly taxing to dig through the memories and flashbacks from this period of my life and to write about them so candidly. People often say about my writing, ‘You’re so honest’, and I am! But I just didn’t think there was any other way to share this story other than in a memoir.”
While writing, she continued to see her psychiatrist (Dr Q in the book). “There was a lovely symmetry about having seen her in my postpartum years and again while reliving that time.”
The takeaway message from this book is most of us will struggle in some way in the transition to motherhood, which we also call ”matrescence”.
“While my own experience with postpartum psychosis is rare, other topics that I cover in the book – postnatal depression and anxiety, the immense toll sleep deprivation can take, body image during pregnancy and after having a baby, breastfeeding difficulties and the changes to your relationship – are far more common, but still often take people by surprise.”
It can be a lonely and cruel experience to be so unwell during what’s supposed to be “the happiest time of your life”. This biography shows mothers who may be suffering, or their loved ones, that recovery from severe perinatal mental illness is possible – and that life on the other side can be full of purpose and joy.
Because I’m Not Myself, You See: A memoir of motherhood, madness and coming back from the brink, by Ariane Beeston, Black Inc, $36.99
