By Travis Bradberry*
Difficult people defy logic.
Some are blissfully unaware of the negative impact they have on those around them, and others seem to derive satisfaction from creating chaos and pushing other people’s buttons.
Either way, they create unnecessary complexity, strife, and worst of all, stress.
Studies have shown that stress can have a lasting, negative impact on the brain.
Most sources of stress at work are easy to identify. It’s the unexpected sources of stress that take you by surprise and harm you the most.
Whether it’s negativity, cruelty, the victim syndrome, or just plain craziness, difficult people drive your brain into a stressed-out state that should be avoided at all costs.
TalentSmart has conducted research with more than a million people, and we’ve found that 90 per cent of top performers are skilled at managing their emotions in times of stress in order to remain calm and in control.
One of their greatest gifts is the ability to neutralise difficult people.
Top performers have well-honed coping strategies they employ to keep difficult people at bay. Here are some of them.
They set limits:
Complainers and negative people are bad news because they wallow in their problems and fail to focus on solutions.
There’s a fine line between lending a sympathetic ear and getting sucked into their negative emotional spiral.
You can avoid this only by setting limits and distancing yourself when necessary.
A great way to set limits is to ask complainers how they intend to fix the problem.
They will either quiet down or redirect the conversation in a productive way.
They rise above:
Difficult people drive you crazy because their behaviour is so irrational. Don’t get sucked into the mix.
Distance yourself from them emotionally and approach your interactions like they’re a science project (or you’re their shrink, if you prefer the analogy).
They stay aware of their emotions:
Maintaining an emotional distance requires awareness.
You can’t stop someone from pushing your buttons if you don’t recognise when it’s happening.
Sometimes you’ll find yourself in situations where you’ll need to regroup and choose the best way forward.
This is fine and you shouldn’t be afraid to buy yourself some time to do so.
They establish boundaries:
This is the area where most people tend to sell themselves short.
They feel that because they work or live with someone, they have no way to control the chaos.
This couldn’t be further from the truth.
Once you’ve found your way to rise above a person, you’ll begin to find their behaviour more predictable and easier to understand.
This will equip you to think rationally about when and where you have to put up with them and when you don’t.
If you set boundaries and decide when and where you’ll engage a difficult person, you can control much of the chaos.
The only trick is to stick to your guns and keep boundaries in place when the person tries to encroach upon them.
They don’t die in the fight:
Smart people know how important it is to live to fight another day, especially when your foe is a toxic individual.
In conflict, unchecked emotion makes you dig your heels in and fight the kind of battle that can leave you severely damaged.
When you read and respond to your emotions, you’re able to choose your battles wisely.
They don’t focus on problems — only solutions:
When you fixate on the problems you’re facing, you create and prolong negative emotions and stress.
When you focus on actions to better yourself and your circumstances, you create a sense of personal efficacy that produces positive emotions and reduces stress.
Quit thinking about how troubling your difficult person is, and focus instead on how you’re going to go about handling them.
They don’t forget:
Emotionally intelligent people are quick to forgive, but that doesn’t mean they forget.
Forgiveness requires letting go of what’s happened so you can move on.
It doesn’t mean you’ll give a wrongdoer another chance.
Smart people are unwilling to be bogged down unnecessarily by others’ mistakes, so they let them go quickly and are assertive in protecting themselves from future harm.
They squash negative self-talk:
There’s nothing wrong with feeling bad about how someone is treating you, but your self-talk (the thoughts you have about your feelings) can either intensify the negativity or help you move past it.
Negative self-talk is unrealistic, unnecessary, and self-defeating. You should avoid it at all costs.
They get some sleep:
I can’t say enough about the importance of sleep to increasing your emotional intelligence and managing your stress levels.
When you sleep, your brain literally recharges, so that you wake up alert and clear-headed.
A good night’s sleep makes you more positive, creative, and proactive in your approach to toxic people, giving you the perspective you need to deal effectively with them.
They use their support system:
To deal with toxic people, you need to recognise the weaknesses in your approach to them.
This means tapping into your support system to gain perspective on a challenging person.
Everyone has someone at work and/or outside work who is on their team, rooting for them, and ready to help them get the best from a difficult situation.
Identify these individuals in your life and make an effort to seek their insight and assistance when you need it.
*Travis Bradberry is the co-founder of TalentSmart, a provider of emotional intelligence tests, emotional intelligence training, and emotional intelligence certification. He can be contacted at TalentSmart.com.
This article first appeared on the TalentSmart website
