John Eades* says there is nothing wrong with leaders having friends among team members, as long as it doesn’t affect the team’s deeper purpose.
Until you are a manager, you never really know the struggle of balancing friendship with leadership.
In one sense, friendship shouldn’t even be on the radar, but everyone wants to be liked, which puts leaders in a bit of a challenging position.
Anyone who has led or has studied the field of leadership development will tell you that building and maintaining quality relationships is a key to success.
However, having the goal of being best friends first with every team member will hurt you.
This doesn’t mean you or any leader should avoid or reject being friends with a team member.
If a friendship grows, that is great, but that’s not the purpose of leadership.
If being friends with a team member becomes more important than doing what’s in their or the team’s best interest, your priorities are out of alignment.
For leaders, think: “Friendly is essential; friendship isn’t required.”
Most professionals don’t want or even need a friend in their boss, but they do have to know their manager cares about them.
When you dig deeper into friendship in the workplace, it becomes less elusive.
- S. Lewis said: “Lovers are normally face-to-face, absorbed in each other; friends, side-by-side, absorbed in some common interest.”
Wikipedia defines friendship as a relationship of mutual affection between people.
While there is nothing wrong with a platonic relationship between colleagues, the best leaders see the lines of friendship and leadership differently.
They know their primary job is not friendship.
Instead, they know their job is to connect team members to a deeper cause, remove barriers to help them be successful, coach them daily, and challenge them to become a better version of themselves.
If you have fallen too much into the ‘friend zone’ as a manager or want to get back to leaning into the shared common interests with team members, here are some ideas.
Reconnect to the team to a deeper purpose
No matter your business, there is a deeper purpose for why it exists.
Maybe it’s to make the lives of your clients better, or perhaps it’s to transport joy around the world.
Regardless of what it is, it’s the leader’s job to constantly reconnect people to the cause behind the work a team does.
While this might sound corny, it’s not.
By constantly talking about important things that matter, you elevate the conversation and relationship between the people you get the opportunity to lead.
Elevate the standard
To ensure leadership comes before friendship, it’s a great idea to elevate the standard of what’s expected to be a team member.
Managers define what good looks like; leaders define what great looks like.
Your team’s behaviour will default to the standards that you demonstrate and define for them.
Be crystal clear, concise, and conclusive. Limit yourself to as few standards as possible so they can be remembered and applied.
Act like a coach
The best way to demonstrate to team members that you are in your role to lead and not just be a friend is to help them perform at their best.
A great way to achieve this is to act as a coach for them.
The best sports coaches in the world are constantly looking for ways to bring out the best in their players and to help them get from where they are to where they want or need to be.
Arm yourself with a set of go-to coaching questions to get your people to think differently and solve their problems.
Prepare to be tested
No one likes change, and there is a high likelihood you will be met with resistance or downright defiance.
Be prepared and willing to follow up and follow through with your mindset of leadership over friendship.
I don’t pretend this is easy. In fact, you will be tempted to default to your old ways.
Leaders aren’t immune to resisting change, and the path of least resistance can be tempting.
Reject this with all your heart, soul, and mind. Only leaders who are tested become great.
Remember, it’s your job to elevate others and improve performance over time, and it doesn’t happen by accident.
What’s interesting about this topic of friendship and leadership is there isn’t only one correct way.
I have had team members where real, legitimate lifelong friendships developed because of our work together — and others where it didn’t.
I am profoundly grateful for both.
However, as long as leaders keep the focus on leadership over friendship, our teams and our performance will be in a better place.
*John Eades is the Chief Executive of LearnLoft a leadership development company. He is also the host of the Follow My Lead podcast. He can be contacted at johneades.com.
This article first appeared on John’s LearnLoft blog.
